11 January 2010

we choose to love but have trouble

I enjoy reading RyanOs' posts about him and his boyfriend Jay. It reminds me of when Bex and I started to become an Item. It reminds me of the gut wrenching sadness, excitement, embarrassment, drama and splendor of love. RyanO told Jay he loved him for the first time in a blog post earlier and well it made my heart melt. I fear that my wanting to explore other relationships, people and my sexuality is undermining Bex and our relationship. I love her with all my heart and would move across the country for her (again) if she asked me to.

I want to experience many things in life and I wonder if I'm overlooking or ignoring something beautiful that is here right in front of me. Love knows no bounds and all is fair in love and war... What do I want out of life and love? And what if those two things conflict completely. I want to experience many relationships with many people (whether it be sexual or not) and want to devote myself to each person completely. Is this polyamory or a compulsive need to love/be loved? I find myself having more questions than answers.

I want to get a tattoo with Bexs' name on me or something that reminds me of her. she discourages it bc she thinks it brings bad luck... and for the obvious reasons. (If we break up.) I tell her no matter what, she'll always be a profound part of my life even if it all ended today. (Unless I got amnesia in some foreign country, where I didn't know anyone.) Maybe I'll do something that is representative of our love and not a name.

Maybe the best thing that I can do is to go out and live life and let the chips fall where they may...
we choose to love but have trouble.

2 comments:

  1. Woohoo I get a mention. Got to love that :D

    The fact you are having these feelings my undermine your relationship with Bex, but it will never undermine how you truly feel about her. If you are sure that she is the one you will ultimately end up with, then perhaps suggesting some time apart to explore other avenues should be something you look into, that way you can both explore yourselves, and come back to the relationship a little way down the line. Two friends of mine who had been together from a young age decided to temporarily seperate to find out if they were together out of habit and respect or out of love, and after a month or so apart, trying different things, they got back together even stronger than before. In denying your feelings and urges, you run the risk of living a life of what if's.

    Hope it helps

    Ry

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  2. Thanks for the comment RyanO. It is very much appreciated. A break sounds like a good idea, but in all honesty i'm afraid of the outcome. Sometimes I feel like things shouldn't be this complicated but I can't stop feeling the way that I do. I have some soul searching to do and a lot of growing up to do as well. Thanks again for the advice, I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do.

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