20 February 2010

Calling Dr.Jamie to room one

Last night I stayed up talking to Mr. V via chat. We got deep into some of my issues and insecurities and he was very insightful on some aspects of my life. I have been having trouble lately expressing myself, writing down exactly what I mean. I've also been very upset and I think that the people around me, esp Bex could tell. I think I have become overloaded and I need to relax. Talking it out made me realize that sometimes I harbor feelings of anger towards Bex because of things that I have or haven't done. It's not her fault but I blame her for a lot. I really enjoyed getting to open up like that to someone who isn't Bex. It is always nice to have a friend who can tell you like it is, without being an ass about it.

Mr. V said something that I mulled around in my mind for a good bit. He said "I think that you lust after men..." There was more to that sentence, but that piece alone took me aback a bit. It's totally true and it's no secret, but I had never put it that way. Then I realized from the outside looking in, it appears that I don't have that same lust for women. Just looking at my blog, there are at least 3 half naked guys for each 1 naked chick. (It's interesting to say the least.) I think I'm focused too much on the grass on the other side and not appreciating the pastures I'm on now.

I like to take a look back at who I was at 18 and who I am now at 22. So many things have changed in my life, and so many people have come in and gone out through the course of time. It has only been four years but the me back then would not recognize and prob be terrified of the me now. (but that's a good thing bc I was a socially stunted lonely kid.)

At work the guys keep hinting that Mr.V has a crush on me. Someone said "Hey, I think that boy next door is sweet on you." Oh if they only knew it was the other way around... Actually if they only knew a lot of things, I don't know if they would talk to me still. It makes me smile and the only thing I can do is laugh. (I mean what else can you do?) I wonder how many of my macho men coworkers start being a little too friendly while drunk? I bet most of them, esp the ones who are insecure about my added interest in Mr.V.

I'm gonna spend the rest of the afternoon working out... some Bobby time. :) Ciao ♥♥

4 comments:

  1. Greetings from Cape Town,
    And congrats on coming out to your mom.
    :)
    Justin

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  2. It's good to have someone like Mr. V. to talk to. I didn't have that when I was young and exploring my bisexuality.

    "I think that you lust after men..." is what I could've used between the ages of 18 and 22. That's exactly the way I was, and the way I am today. I find men's bodies very, very attractive. I have for a long time. But, I've never been emotionally attached to one. Even the guy I saw in Key West for two years. I never felt love other than in a close-friend kind of way. I enjoyed spending time with him and knowing/trusting him, but it was the physical aspect that got it started and kept it sustained.

    Anyway...talking it out is good. Appreciate and love who you feel comfortable appreciating and loving. And make sure you're always open with Bex about your feelings and yearnings.

    Cheers!

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  3. thanks guys, esp Aaron and Dude for your thoughts. I think I am capable of having a romantic relationship with a guy, the right guy. I totally lust, i know :( . Honesty is the best bet but I don't know if there's such a thing as too much honesty.

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