22 February 2010

The GrAY area

I have been sneaking around reading multiple personal blogs on the blogosphere, focusing directly on posts regarding "coming out". The subject of coming out had been on my mind after I got a message from a friend that included something like: "you've come out to more people than many gay guys, and its been a smooth sailing for you thus far..." I thought about it, and those words made me smile, than made me sad. It made me smile because I felt "brave" for coming out, but reckless and saddened because I never thought about the millions of people who will never be "out." I'm very happy about the people around me being accepting and loving, but I need to make sure that I'm not recklessly telling everyone, naively thinking that I will get a positive reaction each and every time. I have to be careful.

I have a difficult time feeling sure of myself. Just like Mike Manning of RWDC I keep having people question my sexuality and it constantly makes me ask myself... "Am I just gay and am I lying to myself?" This whole being honest and admitting that I lust for men has reawakened the unsettled monster of doubt. Bisexuals get a rap for being confused and with sayings like "bi now, gay later" its hard to not feel like I have to prove myself. (I'm confusing myself right now, but I'll try to make sense in a little bit.) Bex and I got into a tiff the other day and she said "I think you need to figure out some sexual things about yourself." Comments like that and acknowledgement of my over-the-top lust for men... we'll it's left me in limbo.

All my life people have accused and wondered if I was gay. I never understood why or what about me gave off that impression. I always felt like I was lying when I would say that I was completely straight. Saying "I'm Gay" right now doesn't feel right either. I know that I find men attractive. I know that I find women attractive. The confusion lies in why I doubt myself each and every time the people around me do. Admitting out loud that I was bi was one of the hardest things to do. Up until that point all my admirations, or watching gay porn or yearning for male contact was repressed and I was ashamed.

I once read this on another blog and felt that It hit home completely. "Recently my attractions have been more homosexual than not. I’m willing to accept being completely gay, though every time I say that I see a woman who inspires me to think otherwise." For me it makes sense, and I don't think picking sides feels right at all.

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