15 March 2010

...This was never the way I planned...

I've been having a difficult time recently. Amongst all the drama that is my life right now, I've been stressing out like a crazy fool. I try not to stress myself out and I know that all this drama is internal but I can't help it. The other day while walking around the mall, I had a mini panic attack. Not a full blown out crying in the fetal position panic attack, something more like the "I cant breath, I need to sit down and calm myself down" type of attack.

I used to have them before I came out as being bi and that's all that I could think about. After I sat myself down many times in the shower and confessed to myself that I do genuinely like guys, the panic about telling Bex set in. This last panic attack caught me by surprise because nothing was happening, we were just strolling along the mall shops. Maybe build-a-bear triggered it (lol, jk). I ended up sitting down and getting a starbucks drink and that calmed me down. I hate having them because I feel out of control, and I hate feeling like I'm in a situation I can't control.

I'm on this kick right now to read a really good book and I was recommended one by Mr. V called "Sexual Orientation and Mental Health" by Allen Omoto, Howard Kurtzman. I think I may pick up a copy next time I go to the book store and flip through it. I'm trying to peg down exactly what I want and figure myself out, (although I'm pretty sure I got myself down, there's always doubt that I'm not seeing the big picture.) I'm sure that Bex and I are trying to work through all of this together, but I think that there are some things that I need to figure out for myself and on my own.

Hopefully the weather and the clouds (in my mind) are going to clear up and it'll be sunny soon. (I fucking need some sunshine!) I'm going stir-crazy and I'm hoping to push through all of my drama and save it for my mama. (that wasn't a good sentence but I wanted to say it anyways. :-) )


  1. hey, i hope you're feeling way better. it is hard when panic attacks set in but i am glad u had someone there with u and u handled it really, really well. :)

  2. Thanks ;) Panic attacks are tricky, sometimes they can be full blown, and sometimes light but they still feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest. Luckily for me I've been able to let them pass, but I feel bad for those who can't do a thing when they happen. ;) Nice hearing from yeah Aaron. :)