28 July 2010

we choose to love but still have trouble

If you can imagine how someone feels after having almost drowned because of their own stupidity... It would describe how I felt all day yesterday. When I first 'came out' I felt the same way, but yesterday I hit an all time low. I came home from work depressed because my support group suggested I should seek counsellings. I was depressed not because I should, but because I knew that they were right. Bex knew the moment I laid down to go to sleep that there was something wrong, although at that point... I was just ready to go to sleep. I went to sleep after talking to her about seeking professional help, but she didn't understand exactly why I felt this way.

Bex read my emails and correspondences to my bisexual support group. I submitted very raw black and white thoughts and opinions about how I feel to my support group and she ended up reading all of them. (I wrote about 'being tired of her' and 'seriously wanting a fuck buddy' and 'messing around' ) It hurt her to read everything, and I'm not mad at her because she has the right to know where my head is at. Honestly, I omit things and sugar coat things when I talk to her about me and my needs. I broke her heart and It kills me.

I feel like I'm damaging our relationship which makes me even more depressed. After spending much of yesterday speechless, crying, apologizing, and feeling drowned... we managed to put the conversation on the back burner. I had to go to work, but we came to the agreement that the topic is on the table and that it needs to be resolved. I am going to work like a madman to figure this out, whether it's the two of us or with a therapist. I love her too much to lose her or lose myself.

I'm married. I'm married to Bex and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before. I wanted to omit that one fact from my blog, but I feel like doing it any longer is just lying to yet another group of people. I'm a 23 year old married bisexual whose life is currently in shambles. I don't like being here but I can't help feeling the way that I do. I hate apologizing for how I feel, but when it's hurting other people, I can't help but feel ashamed.

I'll be alright and we'll be alright for the time being. I may not blog again for a while, I'm going to try to really focus on me, her and on us.

3 comments:

  1. Be honest with Bex and ask her to be honest with you about whatever it is that she is feeling. You are in the uncomfortable position of having an attraction to both, men and women.

    I only say uncomfortable because, from what I understand from talking with other bisexual [men] – and as well from my experience with not one, but TWO of my ex's who were both bisexual – most bisexuals who find themselves in a committed relationship so often seem to start "missing" whatever gender their partner is not (in your case, men). It more often than not seems to come down to "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence."

    I can't offer you a lot of advice here because I'm strictly gay. However, I can assure you that a relationship can only remain healthy if both involved are honest and up-front with one another. And as well, that both parties try really hard not to "judge" the other for whatever he or she is feeling. In time, the two of you (yourself and Bex) may discover that you each want different things in life but for now, that doesn't seem to be the case (at least from what I've read in this blog entry). I'd encourage you to both talk to one another and to seek both, individual AND family counseling with somebody who has a pretty good understanding of bisexuality and of relationships in general. Support groups (as in friends) are fine I suppose, but I suspect that Bex probably feels as though she's been disrespected and that your support group should not be proffering advice on a problem she may not have even known existed (until she read your emails). I'm not saying that you were wrong in seeking their help and understanding (you weren't); I'm only trying to explain that it's reasonable for Bex to feel a little bit of regret that you may have gone to them before opening up to her about what you were feeling.

    This is in no way intended to be taken as me judging you. I'd have probably done the same thing in your case; just be patient with your wife and ask her to be as patient and as understanding with you as she can.

    Bobby, I wish that I had the magic answer for you but this will take time to work through. Try not to beat yourself up over what has already happened and [certainly] do not feel as though you need to apologize to your readers for not mentioning that you were married before now. EVERYBODY is entitled to their privacy, even bloggers… You share what you feel comfortable sharing; nothing more.

    I'm wishing you and Bex all the best… Take your time; it will all work out in time, whatever the end-result may turn out to be.

    Kind regards,
    Michael

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  2. I don't know where you are located....but here are a couple of links that might be helpful:

    http://bmmg.org/

    http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/

    The keyword to remember is:

    "You are not alone!"

    There are many in the same situation who are trying the best they can to deal with it.

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  3. I am glad you were finally honest with yourself as well as Bex. She deserves that especially because she is your wife. I do understand a bit of where she is at. Please encourage her to email me if she would like to chat it up.

    The best thing is to seek counseling alone and with Bex. It may be a new beginning or the beginning of the end, but be HONEST no matter what you do.
    PY

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