16 August 2010

Moving on...

Gah! Yesterday was a hard day. I realized that Bex has been depressed for the last week or so. Meanwhile, I've been peppy, optimistic and trying to enjoy myself. It seems that we are not and cannot find ourselves on the same page.

I've had an inner monologue about how I need to cherish her as she is and enjoy my life, so I was putting my best foot forward. I don't know what to do other than move forward. She felt depressed and insecure about where this new found happiness was coming from. I was at a loss for words yesterday, I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I'm not trying to ignore our situation or defuse it, but if I have to spend my time being angry, sad and be on the verge of tears every day... well then life will become impossible for me. Sweetie, I just want to be happy and move on... Please, lets move on.

I've been thinking about the big 'd' word lately. I'm talking of course about divorce. I don't want to divorce Bex because I love her and the thought of being with out her kills me... but (and theres always a but) we can't keep hurting for too much longer. Bex doesn't know when our relationship will end and it's bugging her to think that in 6 or so years, I may just want to have that male presence in my life. I think that we need couples therapy. Ugh... I'm 23 fucking years old! WTF man?!

Ok, now that I got that out of my system ;) I'm gonna get going. It's 8:30 in the morning, I have a hang over and I'm bloated from eating too much pizza. I'm gonna hit the gym today while Bex is at work. Tonight I'm going to hate myself even more bc I'm gonna pig out at a wings place with another couple. (Yay, a double date! I hope we keep things pleasant and hopefully have fun.) Gotta go :D

2 comments:

  1. Bobby, When I came out to my wife of two years we were 26. We split for 10 weeks but then got back together. From that day until the present, my wife has always been insecure about being with me. Many times she has said that she knows I'm going to leave her for a man. She is just so insecure that she can never get past that fear.

    I don't think that's the case for Bex. And I applaud you both for being open and honest with each other. At first I tried to be open with my wife but all that did was make her feel more insecure. As a result, I essentially went back into the closet. Here again, I think the open communication between you and Bex is essential and will ultimately keep you together.

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  2. Navigating this in your marriage will be difficult, but not impossible. When I first came out to my wife, we both thought it was a phase. Then when I ended up having an affair, it devastated her. We split up for awhile, but got back together and committed to define our marriage in a way that would work for us. It wasn't going to be traditional, that's for sure.

    Just be open and honest with her. I don't know Bex but she sounds understanding and loving. I thought that we'd never get past the pain, but I've never been closer to my wife.

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