10 September 2010

fantasy land

I keep reading blogs about guys my age who are bi and exploring their sexuality and seeing exactly how green the grass is on the other side. Sometimes I get upset because I realize that to some degree, I should be doing the same, or should have done the same before diving into the deep end of marriage. I try to live my life without regrets and so far I have only 1, but it's completely unrelated to my relationships and marriage. Mr. V and Bex always tell me that I'm constantly living in fantasy world, and all thought it is a beautiful world where everything is possible... I have to face the reality and the consequences of living mentally elsewhere.

I've determined that I am a perfectionist. No I'm not tidy, I don't organize everything and I'm hardly ever on time, but I am one none the less. Perfectionist in the sense that in my mind if everything is 'perfect' then I can be happy and satisfied, which later leads on to dissatisfaction because nothing is hardly ever perfect. A clash occurs when things in real life don't match up or meet up to things that I've built up in my mind.

I asked Bex yesterday while we were shopping if she thought that I could ever date and love a guy. I pulled the question out of thin air and I left fantasy land to ponder about whether I indeed could date a guy. She responded by saying that maybe I could, but that I would be awkward and it would take me some time to warm up to dating men. I still don't know and since I feel that our marriage is becoming stronger and moving forward (finally!) I don't feel the need or have the ability to date men.

I'm feeling again like my heart belongs to Bex ♥. I'm feeling the butterflies in my stomach come back to life. I think that I've been gone for far too long and that I'm finally starting my way back from Fantasyland.

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