20 September 2010

A new day?

Have you ever had a song just rip the very fiber of your being and been so painful that you can't believe you're actually hearing the lyrics right? I woke up this morning after a sleepless night because I binge drank, mentally replaying the song 'the truth' by Kris Allen. I'm not a fan of his, but I heard that song on the radio and well... it depressed the shit out of me. I'm afraid that it may not be where we are at right now, but we may move in that direction.

I think that it was said best last night, prior to all the drinking: I'm a control freak. My day had just started, I dropped off Bex at work and hung outside my apartment with a neighbor and a stranger whom I had never met. This stranger was already past a bottle of white wine and on a beer. Long story short, this person lumped me in a category of being a control freak based of the conversation we were having. I never had thought about it, but ultimately it is true.

I purposely controlled my alcohol intake for the last few weeks, but I got to a point last night where I was no longer in control. My anger/sadness got to a low point and after 4 days of being this saddened shut down guy, I needed to salvage the last hours of my vacation by drinking and being in a better mood. Bex didn't like the fact that I got hyper buzzed (because 4 beers doesn't count as drunk!). It's unfortunate but that is what got me to sit through a movie, cuddle with Bex, smile and giggle for a little while. I'm becoming this negative thing that I don't recognize any more and it's eating me alive.

I realized much to my dismay that I tend to be more straight when I'm drunk. The last couple of occasions when I've gotten drunk, I've had the courage to take what I wanted from Bex and be that assertive guy that I think she wants me to be. Not to mention the fact that on the rare occasions that I've been out and drunk, I've also hit on other women and I can somewhat control myself around guys I do think are hot. It's just another item to the 'WTF does this mean' list.

So today is a new day? It's a question because I always start the day off positive thinking that today will be the day when things change... but very seldom does anything change. Today is Monday and I head back to work. What lesson did I learn over this whole break? Well Alcohol in my case is really a bad idea, it was a cause for my insomnia now and in the past... and that I need to relax and enjoy my life without the aid of intoxication. It is very clear to me now that I need some sort of guidance and counseling but I'm not sure (as usual) where to begin. Look... I'll be alright, it's just a matter of me wanting to be better. I will eventually get there.


  1. Bobby - today's post and the previous one, I wonder if you are out to secretly and subconsciously sabotage your relationship with your wife because then it would be easier to pursue the bi/gay desires you feel you need. You need to get a handle on what it is you want rather than repeat this cycle of alternating hope then despair.

  2. I couldn't have worded that any better! wow. That had a sting to it, but thank you for being truthful. I think that we are both conscious (Bex and I) that I have a problem. I'm hoping to just buy some time and come to some conclusion, sooner rather than later. Thank you so much for your words.

  3. Bobby -- I did not post my comment to be mean or to be judgmental, I hope you understand. This unresolved conflict cannot be healthy for either of you and I hate to see you suffer so much.

  4. It's ok, and my response came off a little sarcastic and I'm sorry because it wasn't meant to be. Thanks for leaving me comments fan of casey and PY. There's some serious pondering in my future.

  5. Bobby - no apology needed. Here's something to help you ponder, take a look:


    John Barrowman is a gay entertainer/actor if you never heard of him before.

  6. Hey..found your blog and looking forward to reading it.

    You will get there. I'm still dealing with my shit..I'm leaning that the bad times push us forward to understanding more. It'll happen for you.

    Oh..and I get the same way when I'm drunk. More into women compared to when I'm not drunk. What the fuck does it mean..??