30 September 2010

plastic boy

Today was better than yesterday. I'm glad because the last two days were especially difficult. That high assent to happiness lead to a huge crash into... not despair... but.... just being shut down. I was shut down emotionally, mentally... just put down and Bex felt the harshness of it. I forget all to easily that I'm playing with someones heart, someone who loves me as I am or was. I called Bex last night and she was crying because she was starting to feel like she didn't miss me at all.

I can't blame her because I can take a step back and see that I've become something so different than who I was when we got married. Somewhere along the line, there has been a light that has gone out. She used to be able to see in my eyes love, hope and passion. Now when I stare in the mirror all I see is a void. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic... I just want to jot down these words before they consume me. All she wants me to do is laugh and love... and all I can seem to do is mope around.

I have some problems. BIG ones, mainly because I don't know how to handle life. I just seem to be coasting on right now, but when problems happen... I don't know what to do. I know I say this often but I don't think most of my problems have to do with sexuality. I believe to my core that I'm just not man enough to deal with everything, and I'm letting everything get to me. I feel like such an idiot because I think I opened up a box that I can't close. I just want it to end without having to end it all. I just want to close the bisexual box and just start being real again... or for the first time.

Bex I love you with all my heart. I am an Idiot and thank you for all the times you have forgiven me. You deserve better.

I'm tired of being a plastic boy.

4 comments:

  1. I can speak for anyone by myself and my own experience, but you are describing how I used to feel. I told myself I was bi for a long time, but that was just a lie I told myself because I did not want to be gay. Once I admitted to myself I am gay there was no going back, even though I tried.

    I still love my wife very much, but not in the way a straight man loves his wife.

    I know where you are. I have been there too. It is not an easy road. Whether you and Bex split or try to stay married, it will be difficult for both of you, but for different reasons.

    I wish you the best of luck to reach the situation you are hoping for.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bobby - Life gets tough sometimes, if you need help sorting things out, don't hold it all inside, seek help from family, friends, get counseling if that's what it takes. It's unfortunate that you can't turn to your built in support system -- your wife -- to help you. But it's difficult to fix a problem if you don't really know what it is that's bothering you, you need better clarity on that first. You can't control your feelings but what you can do is respond to them better. When you have a problem, human nature often times is to deny its existence hoping it will go away or to try to take the path of least resistance. Sometimes that works. Other times you have to face things head on. Muster the courage despite your fears and take steps to end this roller coaster of emotions.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bobby, the brain can really do a mind fuck on you. The harder you try denying that your sexuality is THE core problem you are evading, the darker and more difficult life will become. You simply can't shut down your sexuality with causing major damage to your sanity.

    As much as you want to avoid taking additional steps to explore your feelings and desires, until you give yourself those experiences, your mind will continue to create them in a vacuum.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sadly, I know the feeling... I'm going through one of those phases too =(

    ReplyDelete