28 September 2010

Restless in Levis

I knew that I would have my ups and downs and today is a very mixed weird day. I woke up feeling rested and tired, It's cold outside but sunny and I'm happy but sad. Weird huh? Bex and I went out to a restaurant for some lunch and I started to wallow shortly after.

Last night Bex and I were watching SNL on hulu, it was nice to just sit down and laugh or attempt to laugh. In one of the skits, Katy Perry appeared in a really sexy short skirt and semi ripped elmo t-shirt. They 'did up' her boobs and I couldn't help but be entranced by them. I didn't verbally acknowledge how goregous they were, but to my surprise Bex told me that she couldn't stop staring. She said "oh man... I wanna motor boat that shit." She's also told me that since last night, she's thought about them a lot. I asked "are you sure you're not bisexual sweetie" to which she replied "no, I don't have those urges like you do". To be completely frank about everything, if there is someone between the two of us that would ever have a same sex fling, I'm pretty sure it would be her. (Unfortunately) I doubt it though.

When talking to Bex about how I'm feeling sad and not having a reason for it, I told her that I feel unfulfilled. She told me that she thinks I'm always gonna have a problem with that. It seems as fan of casey put it, I'm swapping hope for despair. I feel unfulfilled and I'm not sure if it's because I don't have a man in my life, or that there are passions in my life that I'm not going after... and it's just coming out in a sexual manner. My blog is a little piece of me that makes me happy, because sometimes I can be a downer on it, but it's something that I've made, something that is a part of me for the world to see. I think that I'm eager to express, create, design, evoke some kind of emotion and what I do at least professionally doesn't allow for any of that.

Fuck this shit. I need to be happy! I'm trying really hard to pick myself up right now. :D I need to smile and know that this boy is good. I'm listening to gaga now and she always makes me feel like working out and dancing. Later tonight we have planned to go out to a bar with some guy friends, so hopefully it will work out and Bex won't get too loose lipped.

Oh! I have a confession to make. I wrote this to my support group, but I wanted to share it here. This is what I've been thinking about lately. I know that this is probably gonna make Bex upset and we'll have a blow out about it, but I'll post it anyway. I wrote:
I've REALLY been wanting to go down on a guy. It's almost like a food craving like when it's been forever that you had really good pizza... and you want some but you're not quite sure what good pizza is anymore. (it's like that ;) ) I've never given head to a guy before, and I'm sad to say that its one of those things that I've always wanted to do. Hopefully this will stay in the realm of interest and not fade into desire. What the heck is this all about?

I really hope that what I just wrote doesn't leave some tension in the room after she reads it, but what can I say... this is how I feel and I could stop sharing my feelings with her if she pleases.

One last thing. I've gained many new followers and I wanted to say hello! Some of you guys (including fan of casey) don't have blogs so I don't have a way to read about you guys. I wanna know about you and what's going on in your lives. My street goes both ways, so let me know about you since you know all about me, ok ;) ttyl guys.


  1. I know how you feel about going down on a guy. I feel the same way.

  2. Bobby -- sorry I don't have a blog, I'm not brave like you to let it all hang out. :-) You're a young guy, with lots of life experiences still ahead of you. One thing that may be helpful is to try to develop a better self-awareness -- if you understand why you feel the way you do, and what impacts your feelings, what motivates you, etc. that should give you better insight to manage these wild swings from hope to despair. Otherwise you'll just let your feelings jerk you around.

  3. Well one good thing that I realized today... is when i'm being self destructive. I planned on closing my night out with drinking and being miserable, but this warning light came on in my head. I'll stay away from the alcohol tonight and work some of this out.

  4. Bobby -- good for you! It's so easy and tempting to drown out our sorrows in destructive ways -- too much alcohol, drugs, etc. Numbing the pain doesn't make it go away. Perhaps you should count your blessings and focus on what you have vs. dwell on what you don't, just to give yourself a little tranquility to calm your spirit.

  5. I know how you feel and that is what eventually drove me out of my closet.

    I wish you all the best.

  6. OMG! Have felt the same way as you for a long time. The moods and feeling unfullfilled. I came out to my GF at 21 and have been together for 9 years. It's been really hard at times. Thankyou for being so frank on your blog. So nice to see how other people deal with being bi. I have been a serious lurker from way back on BMMA! mhatt80

  7. Hello stranger :)

    Hope all is well. Just been having a read of your latest. Dont get yourself down fella. Keep smiling and things will right themselves for you. I sound like a total fortune cookie paper, but its true :)