01 October 2010

conflicting thoughts

hi! Today is one of my two days off! I got in the mood, got on my hands and knees... and overhauled my apartment. I cleaned it as if I were trying to lure some pretty young thing into my apartment for some love games. I'm mid cleaning actually but I had to break down and write it out. Or jerk it out, whatever me being on the computer leads to.

Bex is working and I get to spend some time with... well myself. Currently... listening to gaga while waiting for the bathtub to clean itself. While out at the grocery store today, I noticed Grocery boy again. I always notice him, but this time (since we were having a good day) I didn't mention or show that I knew he was around. (Out of respect for Bex.) Whatever... We left and as we walked out of the store, he looked at her... smiled and then checked me out. She noticed and pointed it out and I pretended to not care (as much). We chatted about Grocery boy and how much fun it would be for him to be bisexual.

Being checked out made me flutter on the inside, but then I had mixed emotions about the whole thing. I was flattered but then again all these emotions welled up, yet again because it was attention...from a boy. Maybe 4 days ago when Bex and I were getting into a car, she said something along the lines of "you know if you ever find a guy that we can both play with"... which surprised, thrilled and saddened me all at once. Why? bc she stated shortly right after "I tell you a lot of conflicting things don't I?". Yes and no. I know that officially she says no... but...

She got mad at me the other day while drinking. She hurt my feelings. I can let it go though, after all I do feel responsible for all of this. She did say that I would be 'perfect' if this wasn't an issue. It made me feel better because I find that although 'this' issue is BIG... if it's my only hang up... then I'm not that bad of a person. Ok... that needs some rewording. :D I realize that I can't take back the words 'I'm bi' but I figure that we'd grow as a couple, now that it's out in the open. I want exactly that, to GROW as a couple, together me and her and I'm not sure how to do that. How do I work past my male sexual and physical attractions?

Unfortunately I'm starting to feel like this is one of those 'shit or get off the pot' type of situations. (Pardon my French.) Fortunately today is a good day, and if Bex can avoid reading this post... tomorrow will be a good one too. I'm taking some of your advice and taking it day by day. When I look towards the future I begin to feel hopeless... so I'm thinking about right now.

Oh, and one last thing. I've officially stopped enjoying alcohol (of any kind) well... maybe not champagne... but the last couple of times that I've had a panic attack, I noticed that the night before I had consumed alcohol. I think something that alcohol does to my brain makes me panic and become depressed.... so I'm gonna cool it almost permanently on the liquors. I'll ttyl... I gotta finish cleaning and take a nice hott shower. ;)

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  1. K and I were married 17 years and I have no doubt that if I was sraight we would have been married forever. We were perfect together, except for me being gay.

  2. Bobby: I posted this once but I don't know if you noticed cause it was at the end of series of comments. Take a look at this -- is this how you feel?


    It can be interpreted a number of ways but I think it says if you love some one, you'll stick it out and find a way to make it work.

  3. @Fan of casey, I found myself speechless and on the verge of crying because it emphasized to me that Bex and I are still an Us. I had never heard this song or seen the video before! That was an awesome find friend. Thanks :D

  4. Bobby: I thought you could relate to this song, especially the lyrics. It's by John Barrowman, a gay actor/entertainer. I find certain songs to be especially emotional, the music combined with the lyrics can express what we have difficulty saying and also inspires us. I hope for just a few moments this made you feel good about yourself.

  5. I won't pretend that I know the answers. I'm gay and have been out to my family and friends since I was 21. I am 39 now. Four years ago, my wife (a straight woman) and I got married. She and I were very close friends for many years before we got married. Occasionally, I wonder if I made a mistake. But I don't think so. One of the main reasons that I think that I am and will continue to be happy is because I had many years of "freedom" before I decided to get married. It gave me a time in my life that contrasts well with my current situation. Although I would not recommend that others follow my path, it works for me and my wife. I truly wish you and Bex the best. I guess the reason I wanted to comment is that I think that you and Bex can make it because I think that my wife and I will make it. I don't know all of the details of your situation with Bex (give me time to read more of your blog). If you are married because you make each other happy, you have a good shot. But you have to remember and focus on that. And in doing that, it does not mean that you have to repress your gay/bi feelings. But you probably need to exercise careful judgment in your expression and exploration of those feelings. Again, I don't really have the answers. I hope you continue to find your answers; I hope you and Bex both find happiness in each other and your adventures together.

  6. Bobby, I went down the alcohol road (dealing with my bisexuality) and really had a hard time dealing with my emotions the next day. From an abosolute high to a crashing low... I really think you're doing the right thing laying off the booze. Best wishes to you both!