16 October 2010

huh? what?

Just finished day #3 of 7! Feeling good despite the lack of sleep and well my back is hurting, but some rest should do me some good. I've been in a rather odd place lately and I'm wrestling with some thoughts that I'm not sure are very clear at the moment.
Bex and I are doing well and we are both excited because she will be working with me from now on. It's a big change for the both of us, ultimately a good change. It's always weird when two worlds merge for me, like when two different sets of friends meet, or your family meets your other secret family. (I mean... what other family?)

I'm starting to realize little by little that I'm not exactly sure who I am anymore. Wait... hear me out, it's not just another gripe and moan fest. I felt like I had some ground on who I was and what I liked early on and I flourished when Bex and I got together. Since I was out on my own I was more free to buy what I wanted, do as I pleased and started having a sense of who I was... or so I thought. After I came to the realization that I was bi and that those feelings are genuine and it was necessary to admit it... I noticed that I started to change. I no longer was afraid to be a little femme, I started dressing better, I lost weight, I cared about pubic hair, and so on and so forth. I know that those things don't define you... but sometimes I stop myself and wonder exactly what it is that I'm doing and who the hell I really am.

Case in point... I was day dreaming the other day and my mind started to wonder about cheating. I read many blogs about bi men who cheat and I've always had a firm stance on cheating. Cheating=bad. Anywho I found myself thinking about what I would do if I was cheating and how I would cover things up and how I would get caught. I stopped myself and was like WTF?! Why would I even think of such a thing? I had apparently mulled it over and over in my mind before realizing exactly what I had spent so much time thinking about.

I'm really tired so forgive this post if it doesn't make any sense. I'm having a hard typing my thoughts out. I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and 24 hours of work.

At one point last night I just wanted to call Bex and apologize for putting a rift between us because of my issues. I needed to have dealt with it before I jumped into marriage. It's sucks to realize that you're just a kid no matter how much your convinced that you've got a grasp on your own life. I was convinced then that I knew what I was doing and who I was. I have some soul searching boys and girls.

Ok. I promised to no longer be a drama queen.... so please note that I'm not in dire emotional stress and that for the most part I'm just sleepy. Listen to FU by Cee Lo Green... I want to wake up to this song playing... it's so funny. Nighty nighty and good morning.

1 comment:

  1. Bobby: I think this bout of introspection is good for you; challenge your long held notions and face issues you've let slide before because it could really allow your true self to shine thru. It could be the prelude to a lot of personal growth and maturity.