26 October 2010

I will be ok

I'm not sure where to start. I'm mid my 8 days of 12 hour shifts, some of the most stressful ridiculous days that I've ever had and I suddenly was rendered speechless. Bex had plans to hang out with her guy friends and I was to pick her up in the morning after my shift. Drinking is always involved so I figured that I'd pick up a much inebriated Bex and we'd head to subway for a sandwich to help with the alcohol. With little hesitation after we dropped Joe off at his place, Bex confessed that Joe kissed her. Both of them were drunk and she said that it was a lapse of judgment. Nothing else happened according to her and she feels like shit.

I'm scared because I've not been able to react since this was disclosed to me yesterday. I've told her countless times that we'll be ok and that I'm alright. I've told her not to feel like shit and she's told me countless times that she pushed him off of her and instantly felt horrible about it. Initially I couldn't speak and I think that to some degree because I didn't see it, I'm not convinced that it happened. I tried to cry about it but there's nothing. I gasped a couple of times before going to sleep because I couldn't breath, but no release of anything. I'm just coasting at the moment not really sure what to feel. I'm not certain if it's an act of self preservation or what...

I told Bex that I partially blame myself for this situation. I think that somehow I have driven her into the arms of someone else. I had prepared myself for something like this to happen, given how much i've stressed our relationship. Bex proclaims that she wants no one but me and I believe her. I'm pissed that Joe took advantage of the situation and that I even gave that mother f*cker a ride home that day. All I could think about is the irony too of the situation. Bex does not have same sex interests but has been with a girl, Bex doesn't crave attention (not like I do) but gets it, Bex crossed that boundary but I'm the one with the emotional void... I'm the one who is always talking about being shared.

There's too much on my plate right now so I believe that I've gone into survival mode. Eat... sleep... shower... work... repeat. It's sad because I'm realizing little by little that I'll never be able to give her the amount of attention or affection that she desires, and I'll probably never get that emotional/physical void filled by her. I love her and want to be with her, sadly I'm afraid we'll both become victims of circumstance. It was just a kiss and I will get over it, but right now I just want to be alone and I want to just stop for a moment. Unfortunately I cannot put things on hold, so I will persevere and get through the next couple of days.

It has now been a year since I started blogging. I have nothing cute and cleaver to say unfortunatley. Good night/morning everyone today will be a new day.

2 comments:

  1. Bobby: That sucks! People do dumb things when they are drunk. But Bex could also be acting out sub-consciously because of your desires to open up the relationship. In any case, some sit down and talk time is warranted when you have a break in your work schedule. I know you are hurting and you don't have a way of expressing it right now, and that's making it worse -- hang in there until you can have that talk. If you need to vent, talk with someone.

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  2. Maybe it's because you're tired and stressed out from work, but it seems that you're over-reacting to what happened. Also, you really need to think about whether it makes any sense to have double standards in your marriage. If you want Bex to accept you having an extramarital sexual relationship, it doesn't seem right that you should feel jealous about her doing the same thing.

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