06 October 2010

Ignore this post (no don't!)

My life is a comedy of errors. I was thinking back to when I was heavy into writing and spent most of my after school time living through my creative writings. Now I realize that I should have spent more time being social and gaining life experience, but eh... I wasn't there. Long story short, I thought about the type of stories that I would write about and started seeing some common themes of desire and warning signs. All of them had a central male character who was likable, well rounded and sweet. All of them fall madly in love with women and are all tortured emotionally by some underlying issue. I liked crafting a life and background around all my male characters, but I never put them into a category of being completely 'straight'. I built up their lives around their love for their girlfriends/wives and the torment surrounding their fragile little lives.

It's scary to see exactly what is going on now and looking back at what I wrote and rewrote in hours of solitude. It's important to note that I did not consider myself bi at the time and I was in the thick of denial. My characters much like myself at the time, were in denial about the feelings, thoughts and emotions that "we" all felt. One character in particular 'Ace' attempts to commit suicide and eventually falls into a world of drugs to cope with some unknown problem despite having a wonderful relationship with his then gorgeous girlfriend.

The signs were all there. A cosmic joke of foreshadowing that I can now look at and laugh and then cry... a little. I don't know why I just couldn't read (read into) exactly what I was writing about. I knew that I had these needs, wants, desires and mental agony... but I wasn't ready to see what was in front of me. It's hard to deny something in black and white. I think that maybe I was crying out to well... myself, much like this blog but with an audience of one.

I think what finally made me sit down and come to terms with everything was actually getting married. I found that perfect girl like in the stories. Bex was/is like all the girls in the stories, brunette beautiful sexy funny and all of the ideals that I held true. Love, excitement, a deep connection with Bex and starting a new life pushed back the emotions that I hadn't dealt with. After marriage, life started to settle down. We picked up routines, stopped moving around, pushed the sexual envelope and got comfortable with each other even more. This is when all of the bisexual stuff started to surface. No matter how much I push to feel fulfilled... I fall short every time. It's not Bex that makes me fall short, it's the void inside despite how she feels about not being enough.

I never finished any of my writings, I simply gave up on these men because I would get frustrated from not knowing how to finish. No tidy way to tie up the loose ends and no awareness of what the problem was to begin with. Dun dun dun!!! Now all I feel is retarded. How is this for foreshadowing?

Bobby Derrekson The Saint of missed signals

1 comment:

  1. Bobby: When you are young, you often live for the moment, there's not a lot of time or reason for reflection and introspection. Only after you've had a few more years of life experience do you think about hopes and dreams as time passes. Yes, you can learn things by looking back but use those life lessons to help shape your future. You now understand how denial can hold you back, it's what you do going forward that really matters. Don't be so hard on yourself, this is another breakthru.