06 November 2010

missing it all

Good morning. It was flurrying outside this morning on my drive home and it looked beautiful. I must say that I am not ready at all for winter. I hardly got to enjoy summer, but I promised myself that this upcoming summer will be better. I will have that beach body and hopefully it'll mean that I do end up on the beach at some point. For now, I think I'll enjoy winter and all that winter brings with it... including power outages and work slowing down.

It's sunny outside right now and It is really quite lovely. The sun is shining and brightening up my sun room and is beaconing for me to take my shirt off and lounge out there. As you can tell... I miss the warm weather. Bex went out last night with her friend Ash to the club. Fun was had as I expected and she's passed out as of now. I miss her and she looked damn hott when I came home this morning... she straightened her usually wavey brown hair and looked magnificent. I love when she does that, it looks so sexy.

Thursday I took Fan of Casey's advice and spent the evening with Mr.V. We went out for dinner and hung out at Barnes and Nobel for coffee afterwards. I had missed my Mr.V since I was working all the time, and just getting out of the house and away from Bex was nice. I needed to be away from her for a couple of hours to sort out my thoughts. Mr.V helped me feel better and we had fun flipping through magazines and enjoying coffee. Unfortunately all the best magazines at Barnes and Nobel are covered in plastic, so I oogled the boys in Mens Health and Details instead.

After having talked with Bex about our relationship, the official status of our relationship is 'closed'. Again. I think that we've come to realize that both of us are lacking something in this marriage, but I'm not so sure that we've collectively come to terms with that realization. Bex feels like there is a lack of attention/affection from my part, and I yearn for the companionship of a man. These problems feel so retarded. Bex has some attractions to women but is not identifying as bisexual... I'll get into detail more later, but my point is... with all the issues that have bubbled up in the last two years... I'm having a hard time considering our relationship closed and anything resolved. If human behavior has taught me anything, it's that 'straying' doesn't occur just once, but I want to trust her so I'll be cautiously optimistic that it won't happen again.

Not that it's an excuse or anything but I'm not so sure that she can chemically feel with me what attention from other guys does for her. What Joe did for her hormonally was overpowering for her, but I know that I try my hardest to pay attention, to care, to admire her, to compliment her. Sometimes I think that she doesn't feel like what I do matters because we've been married for so long that it no longer phases her.  Maybe I don't have what those straight guys have when it comes to it... I know that she at one time felt great about my admiration about her, at the beginning of our relationship. I'm not convinced that if I did every thing that Joe did, that I would get the same result... but that's just me pushing the blame on her.

I think that we need to have a sit down and realistically analyze what we're trying to get out of this relationship, this marriage and what our life goals are... because we weren't even on the same page before all of this.

Thanks again boys and girls for all the tremendous amount of support in all your messages, comments and videos. I only have Mr.V and you guys to turn to, so thank you for all the love during these ridiculous times of retardedness. I will be calm and try yet again to smile and figure it all out. :) ciao


1 comment:

  1. Bobby: Being in a relationship is tough, it takes work and commitment from both sides. It sounds like you have a plan to tackle the issues that have been raised even though your guy attraction is still a work in progress -- continue to be open, communicate often, enjoyed each other -- so you can rebuild the trust that's being tested right now. You need some reassurances, Bex has to be equally committed so ask her to be. Perhaps a song will give the you some inspiration.