23 November 2010

Pulling out all the stops

Good morning, I've missed you all! "So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it." Where do I begin?

Ok, I have to be honest... and I'm gonna say some things that are gonna sting but I need to get some things off my chest. I thought about giving up my blog completely because when I started blogging I wanted bi.the.way to be about my fab life of bisexuality, self discovery and throw in some personality. What it has morphed into is a bitch fest and sulk party and I'm not too keen on laying all these things on you guys, so If I'm gonna keep it... thing are gonna have to change.

Bex and I haven't had sex in over two weeks! I haven't been able to get it up or keep it up lately at all and it's depressing me even more. :-( I got's to get LAID! and I'm not even gonna lie... it's because I'm sad and life is eating away at me. I had never had this problem before (too often) but I can't get in the mood to jump her bones. I wanna be left alone and it's not a good thing. Bex is being very patient and understanding despite the fact that she may stab me bc her sexual appetite is at it's boiling point. I think my depression has slipped into another stage and I'm sooo badly fighting it so I can get my pete back. She's smelled so good lately, (she bought a Juicy Couture lotion) it's such a shame.

I'm 23 going on 24 and I'm a retard. I'm unhappy and I'll tell you why. Sometimes I love the thought of just Bex and I. We are wonderful together and our life together is not bad as a whole. Sometimes I want a boyfriend. Some guy who I can laugh with, play with and enjoy being around. All other times I want to be alone... and have only me to worry about. If Bex gave me permission right now to find a boyfriend I think nothing would change. I'm unhappy about me and I'm the only one who can change that.

I'm having a difficult time connecting with other people on more than a superficial level and it makes me feel extremely alone. Bex is the only person who knows my heart and I'm shutting her out and I'm not sure who I'm trying to protect, me or her.

The other day at work I was staring down a hot new guy who just started working. Obviously gay and very good looking, mature 32-36 year old tall, tan and has short brown hair. Any who when ever I see him he stirs something inside of me (intrigue/lust?) but not like I'm used to. With Mr.V it was overboard and with Bex (I moved across the country!) but with him... meh. It's very weak... much like my hard ons. A temp girl who assisted my group for the day had a fantastic rack and well... nothing either.

I was wondering how some people just have sexiness drip off of them and how I can achieve that. Obviously being as lusty as you can get, I can usually scan a room and find the most attractive person there. As I was saying... I was wondering what exercise I could do or muscles I could focus on to achieve that 'come fuck me look' and then I shut myself down. Why? Why do that because no matter how beautiful I make the outside, the inside will always be tormented and quite frankly pretty people with mental problems are not as sexy as you think. (Lindsay Lohan is a good example) Focusing on getting the pretty boy on the inside happy will generate that confidence and mental stability that I think is attractive.

AHHH! Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs but I know that if I did that my voice would crack and I wouldn't be able to talk for a while. MOOOOOO!!!! GaH! just be happy for a fucking while.

I don't know if I'm back for sure... but I needed this. I'm working I'm working I'm working on myself so let's have a good day and put this shit behind us. Agreed?

Love B♂bby

4 comments:

  1. Bobby: We want you to get well and feel good about yourself. Putting up walls won't achieve that. You have to let Bex back into your life. And when you are feeling depressed, like clinically depressed, you can't just will yourself back. You've tried working on it by yourself but you're still struggling. Perhaps it's time you saw a doctor to treat the depression and a therapist to help navigate the bi feelings and the conflict you feel over it.

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  2. FoC I agree. I'm tired of the back and forth and I do need some professional help with this matter. It's just a matter of time, but I'll get there. :D

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  3. Bobby: A big hug from me to you as you continue your journey. Tomorrow will be a time to give thanks for what we have, focus on your blessings and cheer up a bit. Don't lose hope, things will get better.

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  4. I agree with FoC. It is time to get some treatment for yourself then you need to bring Bex in. I can't tell you how much it helped with finding out about me and separately dealing with my marriage problems. I have high hopes for you. Big hugs to you and Bex

    PY

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