18 December 2010

whiplash

So it's been a bit and for that I must apologize. I've been avoiding blogger like the plague bc I've focused on spending my time off with my girl Bex. I've definitely amped up my efforts in attention and affection towards her and it's paying off. She told me the other day that she feels more loved and that I've been in a better place lately. We've been in a better place. It makes me happy. It makes me happy in the bedroom too! Sex lately has been the best that it's ever been. I plan on getting some later today which makes me all sorts of excited.

The other day on one of my nights off from stripping (inside joke) we cooked a gorgeous meal together and had dinner by candlelight. We had Chicken Brian with Risotto, Bex had wine. We enjoyed ourselves. Everything went well until the conversation turned into one of 'those' conversations. It started bc Bex expressed how she didn't want me to shut down every time we talk about kids. Needless to say it went a lot further than just talking about kids. Her drinking wine made things even more emotional since she poured herself another and another glass of wine.

I think that I touched a very sad spot in Bex during this last conversation. She stated in the most pain filled teared-up words "Why is it so hard to just have what everyone else has?". She was referring to the house, the kids and the white picket fence that I told her she may not get. I realized then and there that all she just wants is the simple life... with me. She doesn't want the glitz or the glamor... she just wants to eventually have a house and have 1 kid. That is what makes me feel like crap. That point in the conversation is where I feel like I hate myself for being bi. Because I wanted those things too and then I gave up all those thoughts after I came out. I hate when she realizes during the conversations that have... that "this is her life and this is what her life has become".

During the course of this last brutal chat, she came to the conclusion that bisexuals in general... will never have the perfect solution (and have it actually work out.) She said 'there is no happiness either way'. She's referring to when I stated that I would be miserable without her... but I'm in misery as it is. Misery is a strong word, but the satisfaction is missing from my life. I'm working on that. I told her that my main quarrel right now is not picking whether or not I continue this relationship... it's figuring out how I'm going to keep my lust at bay... and why I'm not giving up the hope that one day I'll have cock. I've still have not taken it off the table, so it's driving me crazy.

Then day after our big argument... I found myself uncontrollably affectionate towards Bex. You could not get me off of her side. I think that my inner soul sensed how sad it made her to realize that her perfect future with me may never exist. That baby that she fantasizes about may not happen bc of how I've decided to steer both of our lives. Anywho I was all gaga for Bex and part of me thought that maybe I should sacrifice all the things that I've made a priority (blog, gay sex, porn, etc) for this wonderful woman who loves me soooo much. I sense how deep her love runs for me and I just felt like maybe I should just bite the bullet and give up and focus on atleast making her happy. I decided to devote my life to her before all of this came out of the closet... why stop now?

Then I fucking checked my twitter page! My new porn star obsession tweeted about shopping at Macy's and even tweeted this picture. My heart fluttered and there was a rush of whatever chemical floods your mind when you see a piece of meat. All those thoughts about never being with a man went away and were replaced with fantasies of sticking it to this pretty boy. Then realizing how fast things switched... once again this lust filled boy felt like crap. If I had a dollar for every second I spent in lust... I would be on 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous'... and lusty.

Today I'm going to get laid, have some fun with my wife and watch a movie. Tomorrow I hope to hang out with my boy Mr.V. I hope we can work something out. Monday... I start my new work schedule. This boy will actually have a normal work week and weekends off. I'm hoping I can finally drag my lazy ass to community college and study graphic design. Maybe.. but now I'm getting way ahead of myself. I'll ttyl boys and girls.

Love B♂bby

4 comments:

  1. Would Bex ever consider a relationship where you have a boyfriend as well as her, and with a child, someone she also gets on with. These arrangements exist, probably not easy, but they exist as long as all parties feel secure and do not insist on exclusive possession.
    If you're already talking about sacrifice and giving up all the things you lust after, what will happen down the road when things get bumpy and you like her less? Those times will happen. What then?
    All my best wishes for you and Merry Christmas

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  2. Bobby: In your situation there is no "perfect" solution, just reasonable ones that both sides might be able to live with if you are willing to sacrifice for each other. You should have her read the post of a bi guy's wife (you know which one I'm talking about) to let her see that other solutions are out there.

    PS: So when are you going to post one of your Chippendale's party pictures? ;-)

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  3. Unfortunately boys... Bex has never ever been one to share... not her cookies or her boy. I'm afraid to share with her that blog post that I was suggested on grounds that it'll lead to more tears and arguing. Maybe I'll work up to it.
    @anonymous: Yeah, I imagine those lust filled days when she's not at her shiniest will be the hardest.
    @FoC Chippendales... more like... thunder from down under... minus the accent... unfortunately I'm not Australian :( :)

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  4. If you love Bex you must have sex with a hot man as soon as possible.

    You are afflicted with a very serious case of Denial. That's not so bad. What will be disastrous is the Resentment which will inevitably follow. You have no idea what misery is... yet.

    Stay on this path and in ten years' time you can have the same old hate-filled argument each day - about her wasted live and about all the shit she made you do that you never wanted to. Endless misery with a child in the middle of it.

    You need to fuck it all up, NOW. Disobey her commandment - have sex with men and wait for her to throw you out. If your love is real and enduring you will work through your differences. If you cannot reconcile then your Denial we be cured and BOTH of you can move forward with happy lives.

    Don't waste her youth.

    A crisis is inevitable. The kindest thing you can do is to bring it on as soon as possible.

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