14 January 2011

boys boys boys [#2]

I want to be this boy. It's an odd way to start off a post I'm sure, but I wanted to jot my thoughts down and that's the first thing that came to me. When I was a younger naive and confused kid (keyword...younger) I used to think that when I looked at men with fit toned chest and abs that the feeling that would come over me was desire. Desire to have a body like they have and to be them. Now I realize of course that it was my way of rationalizing my intense desire to have hold and fuck a man with those toned muscles. I still want to be an Adonis (as much as I can be one) but I understand that my excitement runs much deeper than wanting to be fit.

Now I look at pictures of men who are still fit, toned and hunky but I tend to obsess over the ones who seem happy or interesting. Like I said I want to look like that boy physically but I also want to be happy and be places like where the picture was taken. I want to be happy, look good, have fun and do things that will make me feel alive. This is just naughty but I love it in all the wrong ways. Back to the topic at hand. I want to be happy and flourish, currently though much like my marriage... I'm at a plateau when it comes down to it. I'm afraid to grow into my gay self because it affects Bex and horrified at living the straight life with the notion of kids looming in the distance.

I would also like to be fun too. I know that I have the potential to be fun but I can be very critical of myself so much that I'm watching every word I say. I'm a wallflower of a man but when I do chip in and join the conversation, I can be fun and I always try to take it several steps too far. I'll figure something out soon, I'm tired of being dull and so self aware. It's drab darling...drab.

When life stabilizes a little I want to volunteer somewhere...or donate blood since I'm still 'monogamous'. My work schedule is just insane and I have no set free time anymore. Lately when I wake up I feel like I've been hit by a sledgehammer. As soon as I can manage some free time, I think that I'm going to spend more time outdoors, maybe by myself or I may volunteer somewhere and do something for others. I get so focused on myself and my issues that I forget that there are people out there that don't have a place to call home.


For now I must retire to sleep and find yet another reason to get up and go to work (again). I will remain being this boy for now and hopefully soon I can be all that I want to be.

P.S. I set an appointment to meet my therapist later on in this month. I'm super excited and it looks like she'll be understanding bc when i talked to her on the phone... she sound really sweet and knowledgeable about gay issues. More on this later! Oh and Loves... I'm not ignoring you all.. I've been extremely busy and coming down with something... but I will try to write A.S.A.P! TTYL!

Love B♂bby

3 comments:

  1. In my opinion, "this boy for now" is pretty fucking hot, and the pensiveness adds to it. Be who you are.

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  2. Bobby: Well the urges just won't go away, will they? I love all the boys you pick out but you don't have to look like an adonis to attract attention, you just have to write an interesting bi blog. :-) And show us your pegging dildo!

    I'm glad you took that first step towards therapy. Is it going to be just you to start? What about Bex?

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  3. @Pseudoblogger: he is pretty cute and has a great ass.
    @FoC: Bex doesn't want to see a therapist unless my therapist thinks that she should. I think she should but Bex is stubborn.

    I'll show you boys more than my pegging dildo... but that's for another time ;)

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