05 January 2011

this again

Howdy! I'm in the middle of my work week, having been on vacation for the holidays and I'm spent. I've unfortunately lost that work sleep rhythm and it's taking it's toll. I'll be alright I just need to chill out and get some darn sleep.

I finally received the harness part of my purchases from Amazon yesterday. I got super excited but I fained interest upon seeing the package next to the door. I noticed that every time I got a package in the mail, Bex would be upset. I tossed it aside and went about my business. We had one of those talks yesterday despite the fact that I didn't want to, I had to work later that night. I hate dealing with all the heavy stuff right before we have to part ways.

None the less we talked about 'it' again bc I was being distant from her for the last couple of days. She listened mostly but we talked it out. It's hard for me to hear myself say the things that I need to say sometimes. I don't know how Bex keeps a level head sometimes when she hears me say things like 'I'm just not happy at all.' or 'I want to be with you but I want other things outside of us'. She asked me again if I thought that I was gay. Her reasoning being that she believes if our relationship was finished... that I would never again be in a relationship with a girl. She made a good point. I don't know if I could answer that question honestly bc what I did respond with was 'I would never want to do this to another girl, ever.' I like girls and more notably I like her and want to be with her, but I'm not sure where the pieces don't fall into place.

I'm boy lust crazy. O-M-G do I go gaga for some boys. It's the deep core feeling of lust that is unbearable because I try to reason it all out and none of it makes sense. I'm starting to think that I like girls but maybe I'll never be truly fulfilled in a relationship with one. I dunno but the self loathing, guilt and sadness is making me feel like crap. I'm pretty sure that I try sometimes to break it off with her but she wants to fight for this relationship. I do too but sometimes when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... I just want to throw my hands in the air... and maybe flip my hair back and forth. (Can't believe I just made that joke... I have a distaste for willow smith. ;) ) I'm gonna hang in there and I'm not meaning this to be a pity party... I'm just trying to share whats going on.

Mr.Aussi asked me an important question during our chat, the question almost stopped me in my tracks and I had to think about it for a second. He said 'So why do you like girls'. Like I said, it caught me off guard and for a second I didn't know how to respond. I came up with 'bc girls are nice, I like how fragile they can be, I like their femininity.' Lame answers but they were answers I guess (I kind of described a vase.) Boys and girls... Ugh!

So I've decided that later on when I wake up I'm going to finally call and get started on therapy. I'm paying far too much each year to not use my medical stuff so I'll bite the bullet and do it. Bex found it unnerving last night when I dropped the big 'S' word. She said that considering that there is a higher rate of 'S' for bisexuals, that she is concerned for me. I'm abbreviating it 'S' bc it seems less alarming that way. I don't want to get any worse before I start getting better. So I will call and bc I'm keeping to my promises and resolutions I most definitely will start doing something, today. As I stated before I'm just sharing my thoughts and I'll be fine.

Obviously since I've been feeling this way lately, I've not wanted to play with my new toy which I have nicknamed 'BL' ;) guess why? XD I'm a little bit intimidated but at the same time I've not been in the mood for fun. I think that my highs from having attention from boys brought me to the new lows of yesterday... so when I can stabilize a little and I'm horny as hell... then maybe I'll bust out my friend and have a go. And you'll be the first to know!

I've gots to get some sleep boys and girls... night night and ttyl.
Love B♂bby


  1. "S"?

    What the fuck is S?

  2. haha, beat me to it, BLM. Most. Confusing. Sentence. Ever.

  3. I think S may stand for Suicide

  4. unfortunately it does stand for suicide but I was afraid that I'd send up some red flags. I did end up calling and now I'm looking at lists of therapists, so I'm on my way. Sorry for the confusion.

  5. Bobby: The roller coaster ride continues, but that seems like par for the course since you aren't doing things that much different. However, therapy action is a good first step. We readers can only do so much to support you, I wish we could do more, but professional, face-to-face help is what you need.

    And "S" isn't the answer, it may be a way to end your suffering but it doesn't really solve anything. And you would leave everyone who cares about you heartbroken. So please don't talk like that, not even kidding. I would be so :-(

  6. I was worried that I was going to worry people. I'll be fine I promise.

  7. Is that a fact - that the suicide rate is higher for bisexuals? I suppose it shouldn't be surprising, being that we're the pariah of society: obviously not liked by the heteros, and disliked by the homos...

    We're the crap sandwich of the world!

    But, I and you Bobby..are not alone. Whether you're gay, straight, bi, white, jewish, black, chinese...don't get too down on yourself for something you have no control over. Live your life..the best you can. The only one you have to answer to is yourself.

    We're with you...