09 February 2011

Being with two men

I mean, being two men. I'm tired of being two men and living two different lives. There's the flesh and bone me that goes to work, pays my bills, screws my wife and settles down to watch episodes of United states of Tara from Netflix. The other me lives online and in my moments of lustful drunken buffoonery. This Bobby closely follows Manhunt daily, watches tons of gay porn and has the fattest crush on Brandon Lewis as well as some other blogger playmates.

I've been a nervous emotional wreck for the last couple of weeks. I'm glad that I'm going to therapy, (I have an appointment later today) but I don't feel like things are getting any better. Well things are taking baby steps towards getting better but my two worlds are still not any closer to being one. I'm tired, in a nutshell. I wake up tired, I go to work tired and I go through the motions 100% of the time. I got so fed up yesterday with being Gay Bobby and being married Bobby that I thought about just deleting my blog, my twitter and my facebook and completely disconnecting. It would be the easier of the two lives to disconnect since it doesn't involve getting divorced and totally changing my life. I thought long and hard about it and I just can't.

I feel as if I'm leading two lives and I'm not even cheating! I mean... I'm not even having sex with men! I feel as if I'm already living on the DL as sometime my behavior is on the risqué side and to be completely honest, it's not the behavior a married and faithful guy should have. I exude this attitude sometimes of being available, of being on the table when in fact I'm not. I like to tell myself that I am on the table just waiting for Bex to come around, I'm just waiting for my moment to just feel. It's almost as if that side of me feels single, fresh and ready for a hookup.

I've had a hard time living with my-selves lately because I realize more and more that I'm a gay guy who loves his wife. It's a complete mind fuck when you think about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm so gay and I'm just going through the motions. I know that I feel tremendous amounts of love for Bex and I love having sex with her. My first thought after we have sex is how much I love her and how much it's worth staying with her. She loves me with all her heart and has been working daily with me to make things better. The last couple of times that we've had sex have been the most emotional mind blowing experiences I've ever had with her, it's almost as if she's trying to prove to me that she can satisfy my completely. I love the sex life that Bex and I have, but I hate feeling that it's the only time that we get close now a days.

Maybe one day I can be 100% one guy because currently I'm struggling to be two.

3 comments:

  1. When you are divided like this, it's so easy to become completely absorbed in your own drama. The thing is, you are not in his alone. Your unhappiness affects Bex. It makes her unhappy. She knows your doubts and it frightens her. Two people can't build a long-term relationship on doubt and fear.

    I suggest that you take a break from your point of view and try to understand how Bex feels - not just today, but in 5 or 10 or 20 years. Try this: search "Straight Spouse Network forum" go to the forum and read through the experiences of many of the straight spouses. They are women and men who are Bex in years to come. If you really want to know what they think, post a question.

    I think reading that forum would be a valuable educational experience for you. Ultimately, it could bring you one step closer to bringing the two yous together.

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  2. Bobby: When worlds collide, you will long for the days of being two different guys, each Bobby in his own world that provides some comfort.

    But for now you feel the tug of conflicted worlds. You have to decide what is more important: to have a safe, somewhat pleasing life with your wife but without real access to guys or pursue your desires to experiment with guys and hope that it brings you happiness even though you know it means estrangement from Bex. Staying with your wife seems like the safe bet; you could have a good life, despite missing out on things and not be totally happy. Chasing after guys is no guarantee of happiness either - you get your physical needs met but will it be emotionally satisfying for you? You won't know until you try but trying could cause you to lose the love of Bex. It's a kind of Sophie's choice. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. But you have to decide, with Bex's input what is the best path for you since you can't seem to hammer out a compromise with her.

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  3. Is "safe" fair to Bobby & to Bex? We only go around once in this life. It is my belief that we not only have to consider how we feel, but the feelings long term effects on others in our relationships.

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