04 February 2011

happy again

The scale lies! I swear! I've been stress eating and I feel like it shows all over my body. My small pecks have become fleshy and my tummy feel less taught than it has felt. I feel sluggish and gross and I know it's all mental. I stepped on the scale a minute ago to soak in how much weight I've gained from 'leting myself go' lately and the scale reads lower than I did before! WTF?! I feel revolting and hideous and I weigh the least I've weighed in my adult life. It reads 150 btw, which for someone my height is in the median range for what men my height should weigh. When I was 60 lbs heavier (oh and it showed baby) I still didn't feel this gross and embarrassed. I'm getting the feeling that this is less about looks and more about other things.

Bex came into the bathroom the other day and was amazed with the intensity of steam and heat in there. I always love taking hot showers and I have this joke about how I'm scrubbing the sin off my skin. Bex exclaimed 'Damn, what are you scraping Satan off? Omg.' I don't think she was that far off. I've not been in a very good place the last couple of weeks. Ever since I started therapy I've been even more on this roller coaster ride and I'm starting to feel sick, kind of like after that final corkscrew when you see the following loopdie loop.

Bex is spending the day with her girls. Bex, Ashley and a third gf are shopping, having dinner and heading out to the club. I'm supposed to be sleeping bc later on I will be going to work. I'm glad that she has something to do and I can't say that I'm not jealous. Despite the fact that I still want to be alone, I wish that I had the same thing going on. I know it's up to me to make friends, but at this rate I'm falling for all the people I attempt to make friends with. It's rather childish I know, but I'm hesitant to pursue friendships for fear that my retarded feelings will interfere with what it actually is. I want to be alone right now anyways. If there was ever a day where I could just call out of work and spend time by myself... drinking.. I think that today would be perfect for that. Unfortunately I'm too important to call out bc people depend on me.

It does get better, I know it does. It would be nice to feel it sometimes. Instead of drowning my sorrows I'm going to try to lift my spirits with a cup of coffee. I'm 'toasting' with my cup of coffee... to opportunities unexplored, to finding peace and being playful and happy again.


  1. Bobby: All that muscle you added is burning up that fat, good going!

    Happiness is a state of mind, just stay in that zone for awhile and soak in the good vibes. Don't drown it in booze.

  2. thanks man, I feel so retarded sometimes when I bitch about my love life when I see all the turmoil and destruction on tv. I just needed to vent.

  3. Hey

    First comment :-)

    I really like reading your blog, because a lot of what you're going through, I can totally relate to. What i like about you is that even though you have your ups and downs, you always seem to push through it, and make something positive out of it.

    Oh ... hope you dont take offense to this, but you're such a tease with your pics :-P

  4. Hey, look, it's alright to fall in love a little with your friends - it's nice to spend time with people you have crushes on. Just don't take it any further than enjoying the intimacy. And don't worry so much. xx