01 February 2011

losing it

hola ya'll. Man this week is starting to turning out to be a weird one. Weird bc my work schedule has me working on and off, but what am I going to do I'm a slave for where I work. This past weekend I just lost it, I was an emotional wreck. I had planned to limit my social interactions to just Bex bc I just didn't want to talk to anyone.

Taking my therapists and Bex's advice I've began reacting to being angry rather than suppressing it and hoping it goes away, so far its been a little difficult but it feels good. I've also began communicating with Bex a little more and just letting go of that space between us. I'm thinking that subconsciously I put some space between us. I felt that if I loved her unconditionally, then my life would never change and I'd be doomed to live the life I'm living now. As some of you have put it 'Bex is part of the solution, not the problem' and I'm starting to feel that. I smiled for the first time in a long time and it was a genuine smile, the kind that you can feel your eyes smiling too.

The Friday before I completely lost it was great. Bex and I had flirted all day and spent the evening cuddling on the couch. We bought a heated blanket bc our apartment was getting cold and we layed it out on the bed to warm the bed up. They didn't have a warning about this on the box, but turning on the heated blanket also turned on the crazy wild steak in Bex. Usually when we jump in the sheets to do the dirty, she starts complaining about it being cold and instantly ruins my fun... but that night... we did it on top of all the sheets, naked. We had tried 69ing before and not really liked it, this time it was fantastic. We must have been doing that for a good fifteen minutes. It was the best sexual experience to date, not only did Bex show the vigor and passion I usually find that she lacks, but I felt close to her and like we were soul partners. Now if soul partners made you cringe just a little just know that I was hesitant to type it :D.

With every high I have there seems to be a very low low. It's a pattern that I've seen emerge and I don't like it not one bit. I have a really good day and it's followed by two bad days. Personal as well as family matters triggered a huge breakdown and I spent most of my day Sunday just bawling my eyes out. Bex was there helping me push through it and helping me talk out the wide range of crap I was dealing with. She is so sweet and getting me through was another reminder of how deeply she loves me.

I woke up feeling stronger yesterday and now that I'm at work I feel even stronger. I guess no matter how much I bitch about work, I can always seem to center myself. I can control most aspects of my job and I have to be strong to work where I work. It's kind of like when people go to boot camp to see what they're made of, bc my job is stressful. The challenge of working where I work is keeping me alive right now.

My mood right now is Appreciative. I appreciate Bex despite our problems and I appreciate the good things that my work does for me, despite it all. I missed posting and I figured I'd jot down my thoughts for today, I promise something a little more sexy and less gloomy. ;) ttyl guys and gals.

3 comments:

  1. Are you trying to say sex was what made caused it?

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  2. No sex didn't cause it, it was just the peak before the fall. In other words, I was really happy and the sex contributed to me being happy... but other things just brought me way the fuck down.

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  3. Bobby: Sounds like normal life, good days followed by bad. But now you have more tools to help you cope. It's wonderful that Bex is there to support you when you need her, exactly how married couples should be, a partnership that tackles issues together.

    I'm sad to hear of your weekend meltdown, I'll write you a separate email later to get the scoops since you want that to remain private. Work, despite it being stressful offers some distraction. I'm thinking of you . . .

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