20 February 2011

saying bi

I ended up saying goodbye to Mr.V tonight instead of last night. Things went down and we didn't end up spending the night together Friday, like we had originally planned. I did get to spend about an hour with him at our starbucks, which much like saying goodbye was bitter sweet. As you may remember on the first few posts about Mr.V, one of the first things we did together was go to that starbucks. At that time I was all giddy and excited to have such a cute boy to myself at a coffee place. (It wasn't long after I had came out as bi and was looking for a boytoy, Bex willing to share of course). I'm over the moon about being able to see him go, for a while I was upset because I feared that I wouldn't be able to see him off. He look damn good today and I don't know if that's because I already missed him or knew that I wouldn't see him for a while.

Although I did fight back a few tears on the drive home, I know that I'll miss him but that he needs to start carving his own path. I didn't realize this at first, but this is his first time living on his own. I wish him the best of luck and as I told him earlier, I'm there for him if he needs anything. (Except maybe a blowjob tehe, I'm not allowed... yet.)

It felt nice to feel. Alone on my way home I couldn't help but smile because I knew that the feeling I felt was love. I have love for that boy and it feels good to have that friendship there. I'm over analyzing everything I know, but it's nice to not feel cold all the time.

While lying around the last couple of nights, I've had visions, dreams and hopes come to me and parts of my soul are starting to regroup. Very often I feel like a shattered vase with all my pieces scattered everywhere, but lately I've felt like an art deco vase that is purposely shattered and chipped. I dropped it like it was hott!! on Art supplies. I have been dabbling in oils, pen and marker drawings as well as making pop art and it's felt amazing. I came up with two sayings for myself the other day when I awoke restless...

1. I will fill my life with pretty things. (and I'm not talkin about possessions and material things.)
2. Art is art, even if it sucks. Which pretty much makes me feel good about the crap I put up on the walls... It's more art than there was when it was blank.

There are some wounds that need to be mended and some thought processes that need to change or be removed. My vision for my future as an individual is yet fully formed, for the time being though I can see a future where I'm happy. I'm making my debut on my blog for the first time tonight. I'm doing this because I want to feel as if this me [online Bobby] and the flesh and bone me are one and the same. I want to florish as the witty, semi-trampy, naughty blogger that I am and be whole.

So here I am. I am Bobby Derrekson. (hope I don't disappoint!! and fyi... those dark circles... running on 4 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours.) Oh and that's one of my new sketches... ☺ ttyl peepz!


  1. Bobby: Saying goodbye is always difficult, I wondered whether you would get emotional, but you waited until Mr. V had left the building. It's not really goodbye, look at it as "until we meet again." Concentrate on the glass being half full rather than empty.

    What role has therapy played in your new hopeful, happier outlook?

    The "new and improved" Bobby D. is looking pretty good though I was hoping to see more of smile -- I don't believe the sign and arrow for a second. You are too nice, too thoughtful, too caring to be called that.

  2. cute cute thought i was like wtf is up witht he sign lol but yeah goodbyes are hard and i suck at them so i dont have room to talk lol but que sera sera Love<~peter~>

  3. Saying goodbye is always the hardest thing to do. Ive.never been good with goodbyes. But with that said, im glad you took it well. Be happy for the good times you've had and look forward to.the good times you may have again in the future.

    I dont believe for a second whats being said in your sketch. But we are our toughest critic... im sure if u asked for someone elses opinion, you'll find that in no way at all is that sketch applicable to you.

    You are such a beautiful person u know that?

  4. Oh boys ;) You make me feel so pretty. :D Thank you. I smile while looking at serious pictures of me bc I hate what my face does when I'm smiling... so finding a good smiley photo may take me a bit. Until then, you can get my overly tired douche face.

  5. Just turn that frown upside down. hey that rhymes.

  6. Bobby: That's what I'm talking about! Your face doesn't do weird things when you smile. Remember, when you smile, the whole world smiles with you. Trite, I know, but true.