13 February 2011

some day but not today

and now ladies and gentlemen, a confession. I went to sleep in a mood to just confess, everything. What does that mean exactly? I'm not sure. I had a wine night with my wife and her friend last night but I was sober by the time I went to sleep. I've been feeling tortured, tired and like my emotions are on repeat. I'll spend a glorious day of being happy overcompensating for the days of depression, a mixed day or two and finally days of sadness and despair. Rinse and repeat.

I get hopeless when I ask myself questions like 'What if these feelings never go away?' and 'What if I can't find something to control these feelings?' I know feelings are just feelings and I give them all the power that they have, but why is just being so painful? It's painful because, oh fuck the wording... I want so badly to experience being with a man! I crave, lust, live and breath for it. It's what I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning. I have boy on the brain so much that I often forget that I'm married, that I'm with my wife, that other things in life can make me happy as well. I forget that I chose to be with my wife and that everyday that I choose to stay with her is my choosing.

I'm trying really hard to integrate the online me with the real me but unfortunately there are some things that I'm going to have to let go of. I mind fuck myself bc I push myself towards what I want (being with a man, finding a fuckbuddy, fwb or boyfriend) and I tell myself that I shouldn't. I push myself towards the edge and tell myself that my marriage is much more important than whatever high I can achieve with another man. I'm doing one thing and saying another... Watch my hands everyone as the hand is quicker than the eye. I have to give up that hope that one day it'll happen for me and start moving forward and salvage whatever I can from this mess. I deserve to be happy I know, but until I can make the two Bobby's one, only then I can figure out what will make me whole.

I've unraveled or in the process of unraveling. I'm not going to continue my blog anymore and this time I feel certain that I'm going to keep my plans. I've truly enjoyed writing my blog, putting time and effort into this little black and white piece of me... but I find it too hard to be this boy. This boy flirts with cute men, talks about the men he wants to fuck and holds on to the notion of one day getting his. It's much to painful to live life this way, online and because I'm choosing to not live life in this manner... much to painful to try to integrate that part of me into well... me. That last sentence is fantastic. It's much to difficult to integrate some of me.... into me.

I don't know entirely what I'm going to give up and sacrifice in order to learn to be happy, but for now I feel as if I can afford to end this ghastly love letter, this is my swan song. I hope that if you stumble upon my blog that you find that although I'm currently tortured, that there were times that I was happy and ok, that I will be happy and ok in the end... and so will you. I want you to push like I'm pushing myself and push further towards being happy and  know that your not alone.

This post is all over the place and I don't know how to end it, usually it comes to a logical stopping place but today I cannot find one. The words 'home and garden magazine' just made me burst in tears, it's gonna get to the point where I'll be asked something meaningless like 'do you want cream and sugar for your coffee?' and I'll just lose my shit in the middle of Starbucks. OMG I'm making myself laugh. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or if my brain finally cracked.

Good night, this is not my final post but the beginning of my goodbyes. I love you and good night.

5 comments:

  1. By the end of this entry, tears were streaming down my face and still are for that matter! Bobby I know you are getting counseling, but please don't do anything rash. This world need your particular personality and traits. Please write me at any time to talk and I will be a sounding board for you - no judgement!
    swscratch17@gmail.com
    SW

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  2. no worries swscratch I'm not going to do anything rash, just letting off some steam, that's all.

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  3. Bobby: If you need to give up the blog to concentrate on higher priority things in your life, we can all understand that. Life is hectic enough. But if you think giving this up will make your desires go away, I'm not convinced it will.

    I do believe you are asking the wrong questions -- what if these feelings never go away? what if I can't find something to control these feelings? The answers are simple, the feelings won't go away and you cannot control how you feel. Sure you can try to suppress the feelings, lock them away some where in your mind -- but like so many others, they will resurface eventually.

    I think the more relevant questions are: "How can I cope with these feelings?" and "If I act on them, what does it mean for my marriage and am i willing to lose that to try?" Like often requires sacrifice and compromise and your situation is especially complicated. You have to do what's best for you, your wife, and potentially your future.

    You may have to make some tough choices, but either way you have both risks and rewards. You still can have a happy life, don't lose sight of that.

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  4. Have you considered a trial separation, Bobby? Then both you and Bex can assess what you really mean to each other, and what this life means to you. And how much you can do without it. And you can try out what you have imagined with guys. Then at least it won't all be in your head, and you will have some reality on which to base your future decisions.
    And better that you go through this process now than that you go through it in 10 years time when you may both think that you have wasted 10 years of each others' lives.

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  5. Think about this before you let it go...So many enjoy your words and sincerely care about you. We'll miss you. :-(

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