18 March 2011

do not crimp

OMFG finally!! Time to write a blog. I've missed y'all. Wow, I'm overworked, under sexed completely and utterly tired and looking forward to the next 72 hours. I've not gotten any time at all to do anything despite my new phone and mobile blogging and all that good stuff, but finally an hour or so to jot down my thoughts.

Remember that important conversation that I was about to have Bex? Well with the advice from my therapist and some self gathered confidence, I carefully approached Bex with yet another plea for her to share me. I laid out my case and explained my emotional need for male attention/validation and how it's always been a part of me and that I've always yearned for it. I also added how much she was important to me and how much I didn't want to divorce but that it's become too much for this marriage to handle if she was still unwilling to share me. Long story short, it will not spell good emotional things for me to continue the way we are.

She said no! I feel like that guy who proposed during the televised basketball game and got shot down. Air ball! Do not pass go, do not collect $200. The conversation became empty threats of splitting up, divorce and divorce lawyers and the whole nine yards. I got what I wanted though, I finally got to her bottom line. If I want to have a man in my life, I'm going to have to end this marriage. In the past I've diluted myself into being hopeful, finding gleams of hope here and there... but now. ;) Now I know what it all means. Being with Bex means that I wont ever have sex with a man... and now I know. It's a tough place to be, but it's better than having hope that later turns into despair when I've realized that more time has passed and she hasn't changed her mind.

I don't want to divorce right now, but I haven't ruled it out. It's a terrible thing bc I do genuinely love her, but if I keep ignoring these feelings and being 'true' to myself... I'm afraid that it would be the end of me. I've resolved at least for now, that I just need to coast and make the most of what I have now. Also I'm going to continue therapy and figure out how far I want to let all of everything go. No rush, no drama... just dealing with the real world... finally.



'But I'm a married man... '
Oh boys and girls... one of my secret pleasures in life is twittering Brandon Lewis. Sometimes he'll respond to what I say on twitter and my heart skips a beat. I definitely could toss some beers back with that boy, he seems so down to earth and like a rowdy fun loving southern boy (unfortunately my type.) I need to find me some guy friends in my area to hang out with and just be guy friends. Quite often I can find people that I'm interested in sexually and pursue them *hacks and coughs Mr. V's name. but quite often you can't turn that into friendship too easily. So I need some guy friends who I can appreciate and not lust over... or who know that I tend to do that, and are just chill.

I ended up getting GrindR on my phone and have been awed in amazement at how many guys around me are just 'looking' or 'married or partnered and looking.' Of course there's guys who just want to be friends... but I suddenly don't feel alone. Especially when I'm sitting in the parking lot at my work... to see some of the hott gay masculine dudes. Oh and there are some hotties living around my apt complex too! Bex found the app on my phone and it spelled out all sorts of trouble but I managed to smooth it over, although I'm sure she's still waiting for me to delete it. I don't know if I will, I know that I should... but right now... I can justify having it since I can't seem to do anything else.

I'm going to get going seeing as I'm being rushed out the door (by Bex). My hour turned into half an hour :( but maybe before the weekend is over I can post something else up.) I hope you don't take my long stretches in between posts personally, I've been juggling too many balls and not the kind I can grab and squeeze. Oh and I've not written any of my internet friends either... for the same reason, but if I can make some time, I'll shoot you boys an email. ;) ttyl!

5 comments:

  1. Bobby: We often times hide the truth from ourselves because we don't want to admit what we feel in our hearts and know in our heads. We can rationalize all kinds of situations to justify our actions (and inaction). By your talk with Bex, you faced the harsh realities of different choices and it seems you found peace with yourself (at least for today). Every journey starts with one step and you just took a big one forward.

    PS: I see BL keeps you company in bed; he is your security blanket.

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  2. As emotionally gut-wrenching as a divorce would be, it's almost certainly better than both of you being miserable for a lifetime. And at least you don't have kids to worry about; that would make your situation 50 times more difficult than it is right now.

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  3. i think you are finally coming to the realization of the cause and effect aspect of your lust and wants... bex doesn't deserve this and you know that

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  4. Oh I know she doesn't deserve this tumultuous relationship, I'm fully aware, I just don't know what to do anymore. So far no one has been able to swing me either way, unfortunately.

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  5. Maybe she's right. When you got married, you vowed to "forsake all others," or words to that effect. What's so hard about just keeping that covenant? Especially when you say you still love Bex? A lot of us married guys are attracted to men, and/or other women, but we keep it under control because we're men, not rutting beasts.

    Divorce is not a satisfactory solution. Unless you AND she handle it just right, the divorce lawyers will end up with most of your assets.

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