26 March 2011

friday night fights

I've started a tradition that I've been able to keep up for the last couple of weeks. Saturday morning I wake up really early and spend the morning to myself. I plug in my headphones and listen to music while enjoying this little corner of mine on the Internet. I have a chance to reflect without having to do it during dinner, sex or while zoning out on Bex. We got into our ritualistic weekend fight again. It takes place on Friday and it usually starts early in the morning. Sometimes she wakes up angry, sometimes it's something I say or do.

Yesterday it was something I said. I'll catch you up... Party Girl sent me a text ecstatic about buyin and fitting in size 3 pants. Earlier thru text I had learned she was shopping with a gay friend who thought I was cute... (relevant, I swear.) Anyways I had a moment of happiness with myself bc Party Girl was comfortable enough and friendly enough to send me such a text message, I mentioned the text to Bex. She seemed to be bitter but shrugged it off. Then I smiled and said 'Oh Party Girl is such a fag hag.' Referring to the fact that she loves to dish and is surrounded by gay men. She flipped because she instantly thought I was insinuating that I was the 'fag' to her hag. Stupid argument right? I managed to ruin a good couple of hours with that comment. When I finally decided to defend myself, I pointed out to her that she needs to get comfortable with me and that I'll never be a 'straight' guy. Also that she was being unfair bc previously she had called me a fruit and we had both laughed, but when I was joking... I was being an insensitive jerk!? It never fails, every Friday we're on pins and needles.


This is a very good sad [Song] but it makes me happy because it matches my level of emotion.

I did end up saying 'I'm sorry' although I didn't mean it. I didn't get an apology nor did I validate her feelings... the usual. I think that we're both waiting the other out... or letting time pass. She's going to Chicago in a week and a half for a weekend trip. It will be a brief but much needed pause that we will both need. I'm scared that she won't be coming back, but I'm scared that she'll come back with fervor to 'fix' our relationship. I want to resolve the issues I have within myself, and the relationship issues... but it seems that I've picked a topic that is rather difficult to navigate.

The thing that shocks me the most is that we end up having sex after these fights. I didn't last night. I didn't want to! I ended up dozing off and being too tired to screw... but she was wanting to get into my pants. I don't know about you, but fucking is not something I want to do when I want to slam a door in your face. I don't understand how you can get soo angry, threaten divorce, then walk into the room in a thong and expect me to magically pop a boner and pretend that it's all ok. Yes your disapproval of my sexuality is such a turn on, it sure gets my juices flowing.

This post is getting a bit bitter so I'm going to try to remedy that a bit. Last night I had me a cupcake. I also made myself a t-shirt from an old shirt and paint. It reads: 'Take Caution: MATING SEASON wear protection in assigned areas' backwards. My original intentions was to have an additional ragged old t-shirt for work, then I realized after the fact that it's probably not too work appropriate, (esp since I'm a Manager.) I really like how it turned out and I've decided rather than spending the usual $15 bucks on a shirt I like, I'll design one that is more me than anything in the store. My mind is already cooking up some ideas.

Before I sign off on this post, I wanted to ask you guys a question. In the past Mr.V and Bex have told me that I live in fantasyland, a place in my mind where I'm not thinking realistically... Am I still in fantasyland? Am I still that irrational guy? I'm having a cupcake for breakfast... terrible for you but I'm going to work out later.

TTYL guys and girls.

9 comments:

  1. Can't answer your questions, and I know this is gong to sound bizarre, but after looking past the cupcake......we..... Can I suck your toes.


    hahahhaaaahahaa

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  2. lol ;) I don't know how to do that over the internet ;) Is there a special App for that? lol. I like feet too, although I'm sure not as much as you ;) here's some fodder though http://varsitymale.com/photo/1575

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  3. I am glad that you have carved out a bit of quiet time for yourself. Does it give you a chance to get some perspective on your life? I enjoy reading your posts in the morning when I have my coffee...

    As for your question...Without knowing the whole story or circumstances, I'd say that some of your writings may be unrealistic aka "fantasy land" but, working toward an authentic, happy self will inevitably have some detours. Keep working at it. You have lots to offer and I'm sure folks in cyberspace are virtually behind you! Besides,who says you cant have an active imagination..it makes for better life, love, sex, art..you get the point!

    SW

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  4. Bobby: Do you think you can sit down with Bex and have a heart to heart talk about what's going on? These outbursts against you for seemingly innocent or small things are substitutes for the real thing that's bugging her. You can say you are confused by the mixed messages you are getting: lashing out one moment only to be followed by lovely dovey sex the next. Perhaps she is simply frustrated that you aren't paying as much attention to her -- I'm sure she notices you being cold to her. See if that helps to break this destructive cycle.

    As for your other question about living in fantasyland. It's difficult to say for sure and you may want to share more examples of why people say that about you. I think you have dreams and hopes for yourself, like most people do. Wanting those things to happen would not be fantasizing. However, if you just wish for them to fall in your lap, that would be fantasy because you have to take action and make things happen to get where you want to be.

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  5. I too need more examples on why you are thought to be living in a fantasyland. I do think you deserve credit for being completely open & honest about your sexuality with wife while remaining monogamous.

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  6. I think that people think I live in a fantasy world bc they think that I'm insane to want both and believe that it's possible. Also I'm pretty sure that mr v prob thought I was diluting myself by saying I was bi. I think the high amount of hope that I had to make Bex and Mr.V work made others around me believe I was delusional.

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  7. Bobby: What you want is not fantasy because you know from reading other blogs that some people have actually achieved this dual world of staying married while seeing guys on the side with the approval of their wives. It of course takes exceptional understanding on the part of the wives, who seem to love their men so much to be willing to share them. Not many wives would be secure enough to allow this; they accept the notion that the husband can still love the wife while having a male lover on the side.

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  8. Bobby: FYI, did you see that Mr. Aussie has returned to update his blog? I tell you this because I know you really miss him and will be anxious to catchup with him.

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  9. Sounds like it's time for a long heart-to-heart with BEx. Stay away from doors that slam :)

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