09 March 2011

Frisky Dingo

Little by little I'm coming to the conclusion that I may just be one of those bisexuals. You know the ones who must have a man and a woman in their lives in order to feel complete. We'll it's an oversimplification but I'll explain where I'm coming from. When I first came out as bi, I threw myself into learning about bisexual culture and everything bisexual. One of the first misconceptions that I learned about was that all bisexuals needed to have both at all times. Bisexuals can indeed be monogamous yes and I thought that I could be one of the monogamous kind, but I'm struggling to keep it in my pants. To be truthful though, sometimes it's not even about sex.

As I told my therapist and have argued with Bex, I desire a deep meaningful emotional connection with another man. Yes a physical connection would be nice but sex isn't everything (and it's everything too!) At the end of the day, I would feel a deep hole in my soul without Bex, but I feel the same without a Mr. to share my life with. I learned exactly how import a boy is in my life when the boy that I cared about so much moved away. Mind you our friendship was good and we aren't too close, but enough to see how much it affected me.

I'm at the cusps of having a  really important conversation with Bex about our future together. It's important enough for my therapist to suggest maybe having us both in the room at our next session. It's apparent to me that I need to change my game up bc conversing with Bex at home isn't quite going like I want it to. We will see though, I'm in no rush (and I am) to bring up such heavy topics.

Am I a DOGG? Not the lovable man's best friend but the D-O double G kind. I got into a heated argument with Bex because I was admitting to her that I enjoy and seek out situations where I can flirt with men. I love the attention, I love flirting or being 'salacious'. (Thank BLM for adding that one to my repertoire ;) ) Bex told me that if she had to pick any word in the world as my word, she'd say that LUST was my favorite word. I tend to agree. So back to my question, am I a dogg? Mentally I've already cheated on her many times, but physically no I haven't. It's a mindfuck right? I'm faithful in the sense that I would not allow myself to cheat on her, but I search out those situations, so I'm flirting with disaster.

With the help of my therapist I'm finding that yes this lust/need for a male connection is just part of who I am. Only I can make the distinction as to how much I will let it affect my life. As Mr. Aussie has put it (not talking directly about me, but it applies) Boys like me can love a woman, but may not find the happiness they want in just that relationship or with women in general (or something to that affect.) One thing I realize that I must do is continue on my journey to find happiness within myself, find contentment and appreciate myself, what I have, what I don't have and the people around me. I'm happy to say that when it comes to the appreciation and self happiness, that I'm on my way. It's time to get over this hurdle and move forward and just be... just be.

I'm taking the night off from working the streets. LOL. No seriously, I called out of work for 'personal and family issues' which applies bc I was distraught before going to therapy and now I feel alright but I don't wanna chance it. I'm picking myself up for right now, I've got the apartment to myself and I'm going to take whatever emotions I have and emote all over the place. (Well mostly on canvas but I'm sure there's a copy of COLT or Playgirl somewhere, te he.) (Actually that's lies, I don't physically own any gay porn, just the straight stuff :-( ) Fuck, I could blog forevvvvvvvvver! Ok I have to finish sometime, so for now let's be happy and i'll ttyl, yes? :-) nighty night.



  1. Bobby: If you crave an emotional connection with another guy, it's more than lust you are after. And it must be a different kind of love, since you got plenty of that with Bex. Is it some kind of male bonding you are missing? Guy camaraderie? Just having a guy to be your wingman?

    I do sense it's more than that -- I think you need to fall in love with a guy, then you can really compare what it is you want.

    I know this is cliche but do you think that this need might stem from something missing from your childhood/growing up?

  2. Possibly, I never got the love and emotional connection that I wanted from my dad as he's a lame-o. He's very reserved and emotionally unavailable and I've pretty much given up on him, even though he's annoyingly trying to inject himself in my life currently. I'm not interested anymore especially since I know that I'll be left with my heart still on my sleeve. I do want that camaraderie, friendship, lust resolution, compassion and all that other stuff. Oh and FoC don't think for a minute that I've forgotten about you honey, I'm gonna write you back soon ;)

  3. Bobby: That's too bad about your lame-o dad. I can see why his inserting himself in your life is not appreciated until he makes amends. But you should give him a chance to make things right -- does he know how he disappointed you? I know it's not an easy subject to bring up but it's not fair you holding this resentment without him knowing why.

    What do I know? Maybe you told him already and it fell on deaf ears? Oh well, you just need to look forward for your solutions, the past cannot be changed.

    If I were living close by (and you know I'm far, far away), I'd happily be your shopping/coffee-drinking/flirting wingman for camaraderie, friendship, and compassion. I don't think I could help you with lust resolution though. I'm no BL. :-)

  4. FoC! Don't be mean to yourself, I'm no BL either :) I know we'd make excellent buddies in real life. If I ever make it out to HI you know our coffee date is on like donkey kong ;)

  5. I know where your coming from Bobby...sex isn't the entire package when it comes to wanting to be with a man (although it is important).

    There plenty of guys to have salacious meetings with...but true intimacy requires a real connection.

  6. I envy that you the fact that you're figuring this out early. Me ... I'm a little late and trying to figure out the same EXACT thing in a storm of emotions.

    Good luck!