23 March 2011

have my heart half my heart

Hi. I woke up a couple of hours ago hungover and relieved. I woke up... alive. Some part of me was not convinced that I'd be waking up again. I couldn't imagine being alive today, but I'm very thankful that I am. I'm becoming somewhat of a phoenix... spiraling, crashing, catching fire then walk out of the ashes (well crawling out sometimes, bc well sometimes I'm quite tipsy.) I needed my moment of shameful misery to get it out of my system, I'm just upset that you had to witness it.

This last weekend while Bex and I were watching our favorite shows, I had a moment with myself during this last episode of GLEE. It's called 'sexy' [link to hulu video]. It completely caught me off guard to start crying because movies and t.v. never make me cry. If you plan on watching it, skip the next paragraph... if you've already seen it... read on.

[Spoiler Alert!] The episode was about Britana the cheerleader couple and their confusion about their sexuality. Santana coming to terms with the fact that she indeed has very strong feelings for Britney, and what it would mean to feel love for a woman. Santana didn't identify as bisexual or lesbian until this episode where she's realizing that she doesn't want anyone but Britney. Anywho... bc it's GLEE and they do everything in song, she expressed herself in song and this is the point that I lost my shit. [she sang Landslide by Dixie Chicks]. Bex was like 'what? Omg are you ok?' The only thing I was able to mutter was... 'sexuality is hard.'

I'm looking into what getting divorced means in my state. I want to make this as realistic to me as possible before I start having any damaging conversations with my wife. Sometimes I just want to talk about a certain subject without actually considering it, but in this case... I only foresee pain. I have suggested in the past that Bex and I need to find a marriage councilor. I may need to communicate to Bex that I feel like we really need one now. (WTF?! Apparently adultery is illegal in my state... what's the punishment?! Marriage.) (No, it's a class 2 misdemeanor.)

In many ways, I'm coming to terms more about who I am. Miserable slop of a man, aside... I'm kind of cold. Well lately, yes I've been cold. Cold to Bex and to the people around me. I'm still not comfortable with saying 'I'm gay.' Bisexual still feels at home, but my definition of that is changing. I don't think I would seek out another relationship with a woman, if I was single right now. I'm starting to feel like I can only have casual relationships with women. I can imagine having a female fuck buddy, but I don't think I'll ever play the 'husband' role ever again. If I was single right now though, I wouldn't seek out any kind of relationship... with a dude or chick. I just want to be alone and have some room to breath and gather myself.

Today, I'm nursing my headache, having myself a coffee and getting my shit together. OMG do I need to get my shit together. I also have an apology to make, to Bex. So much of our life together is wrapped around me and my issues, so I think I need to get back to basics and just chillax for a moment. I hope y'all have a good Wednesday and that you don't bawl like I did while watching that Glee episode. Later. ;)


  1. It's refreshing to hear this. Thank you.
    all I can say, is that I am gay, with a lover, but something is still wrong, for me. I dont think it has to do with labels like gay and bi, but with who you want to be. One life, one chance to live the way you would love to live, so find the love for yourself, and i will try to do the same

  2. Wow...! We're too close to the same path at two very different points in our life.

  3. Bobby: Don't beat yourself up too bad. Think hard about what you want, and why you want it before offering proposals to your wife. If she won't/can't help you, then you are going to have to make some hard choices. Perhaps it's early to be making ultimatums, but some escalation is in order.