25 March 2011

where to go from here?

There was a point in our relationship, before marriage just as we had moved out and started living together... when Bex was where I am right now. Right now, I'm almost heading out the door... looking for something else. I know exactly how Bex feels, but the difference is that we were only dating back then, now we're married and promised to each other. I see the end goal from where I'm at right now, which is me coming even more into terms of who and what I am. I'm trouble and I may always be trouble. (At least for us, anyways.) I'm more gay than anything although I'm hesitant to put it that way. What I'm trying to get at is I'm having trouble just not cutting my losses and moving on. I have to try for Bex at the very least for not leaving me at this point.

I don't like how abusive our relationship has become. We get into this cycle of her being a bee-otch bc I'm being cold to her. So I'm an ass hole and she becomes someone I can't stand. I find it hard though to give myself up to her again, being nice, sharing myself with her if I feel that at the end of the day, she'll not share my views of who I am. We're on two different pages and I don't want to go to her page, which means that I'll never feel that male fulfillment. I don't want to compromise, I'm not willing to meet her half ways bc she's not willing to budge either.




Fuck, relationships take work.
At work I'm coming out of my shell. I need to make some friends, guy friends and try really hard to not pop a boner when the cute ones talk to me. So far I've managed to strike up some conversations, and there's this guy who is really really nice to me. A co worker of mine who I'll nickname Party Girl (Who knows I'm bi and I partied with on this last Thanksgiving) has been making meeting new people easy. Plus she's totally into being a fag hag so she dishes with me on everything. (I make it a point though to not be too gay around her, since she's fucking hott.) She tells me secrets and we giggle together.

I really love Bex. A big part of me would die if we divorced. I don't feel in love and it's about the saddest thing ever. If I could choose feeling in love with her, or feeling fulfillment with men, I would choose that over fucking guys. The problem is that you can't force yourself into feeling in Love. All I can do for now is stop being an asshole. It's all about balance in the end I guess, balance how much I'm going to bend and how much I can bend this relationship in order for it to work.

In talking with other bloggers, I've realized that there are men out there in my shoes right now. Married, partnered... wanting both and struggling to achieve it. Someone said once, 'why not be gay?' It's not that easy, we have women in our lives whom we love. Had we started out with a man, things might be different or they may just be the same. Not all bisexuals are like us, but we are... who we are.

I'm going to be who I'm going to be today, a man- boy... husband... lunatic... blogger... adonis dna'd... tiger blood pumping jackass. :) I hope you have a kick ass weekend, I'm going to give life my best shot this weekend. TTYL love.

5 comments:

  1. The more you bend the more it breaks..think wisely

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your worries about Bex are misplaced. Your good intentions are doing harm, not good. It's not easy to understand how that could be when you're in the thick of the problem. It's something you might only recognize in retrospect.

    One place you can go to understand how Bex is likely to feel when she looks backwards is:

    http://www.voy.com/86426/

    Ask a question there and you will get very clear Bex-like answers.

    Sometimes the answers appear to come from unresolved emotional pain and not genuine wisdom. While it's true that the pain is quite raw for some, overall the forum possesses a great deal of wisdom.

    It may be hard to believe right now, but you and Bex are going to make it through this and you'll both be much happier in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How about a time out?!

    Move to a separate place for sometime...stay in touch but don't be together...if u giv urslf some time n space to think..i think it'll get better!

    If aftr 2 secs of coming into ur home...ur hurling knives at eachother...it's time for a time-out!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bobby: I do think you still love Bex but your resentment of her not allowing you to be yourself and not compromising is overshadowing those feelings. You can't change your desires to want to be with guys and she won't budge on letting you. So what do you have? A stalemate and battle of wills that's pressuring your relationship. When you are stuck like this, outside help, an unbiased person is needed -- that's why I think a marriage counselor would be helpful.

    Now if Bex refuses to go, that does signal she has her head in the sand in denial, because things are not going to get better by doing nothing.

    Relationships all take some effort, give and take by both sides because you are not going to agree on everything all the time. But if you don't tackle this, your trust in one another will erode and when it's gone, it's difficult to get back.

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  5. @Jameson: sadly i think we're reaching our breaking point.

    @Two Lives: Thanks for the link. I checked it out and I'm trying to see it from Bex's point of view, because I believe that somehow we can make it work. I'm going to go more in depth today and read some more.

    @Phunk factor: Yes a time out... soon. It's much needed but I must confess that it may be a permanent one.

    @FoC: I don't think anyone else could have worded it any better FoC. Even though life can be torrid and overly dramatic, it's always nice to get your perspective bc you get everything I'm trying to communicate. Thanks man.

    ReplyDelete