10 April 2011

good times stood up

Ok soooo I have to confess. I'm buzzing right now. I'm on my 8th beer and I'm soo happy I could stab a whale. Fuck them, they're mean and they kill seals. Enjoy this post while it lasts, I'm drunk as fuck and I'll prob take it down when I am capable. I'm listening to Britney Spears right now on repeat and drunk texting some boys a picture of my cock. (Including my priest) (Lol... jk... I'm not that drunk and i don't have a priest.)

So my night of dancing and club going didn't work out at all! Ms. Party girl ended up standing me up! She had some excuse about waking up in the ER. Who the fuck knows if that's true but I was nice enough to let her have the benefit of the doubt. I made sure she knew that I wasn't heart broken, and I'm not... although I didn't get my dance on... i did get to chat with Mr. V, Mr.Aussie and a new blogger friend of mine. His name is Mutant Panda (aka Lex) but I'll refer to him as Tex. Mr. Tex has been torturing me all day today with nudie pics of him. We've got mutual interests and i've been following him for a while. I even drunk dialed him! OMG i didn't just admit that did I?



So as I admitted to my therapist and to Mr. Aussie... I consider myself 80% gay... if you have to put a percentage on it. I don't believe in labels, in a world full of labels though... i still must say that I'm bi. To me... anything that isn't 100% one or the other is still considered bisexual. Right now... my personal assessment of who I am is this... I am capable of being a gay guy. I want a male relationship that is close to being a boyfriend/lover and I can be attached to a woman or not. I still think that women would play an important part of my life even if I was with the perfect guy. Maybe it's because I love Bex so much. I don't know. I think that if I had pursued a relationship with a boy first... that maybe my life would have been different. Woulda shoulda couldas right? Oh man.

Oh boy oh boy... my life is a complicated mess. There are some things that have happened to me to shape who I am right now and I still have not the courage to say them. I'm writing a book.... it's called. Am (bi) valence... well at least my post teenage mind is thinking about writing one. I'm thinking about writing a tell all book about my relationship.... my life and exactly what goes on between a bisexual man and a straight woman. In my mind I'm already the guy from the show Californication. If only I was as talented as he's supposed to be. My therapist said that I was very articulate...that made my heart flutter and my soul fly. I always love it when adults told me how smart I was in school... it got me off like no other.

You know what's unfortunate? I really miss Bex and her being. I miss her over affectionate person and still I love all this freedom! I LOVE THIS! I like being able to message boys with my nudie pics and also being married. I hate conforming to societal standards. I often ask myself how I would feel if I was in Bex's shoes... and I can't come up with an answer... bc I think like I do. I like being naughty.... I love flirting... being sexy and sharing myself. I also like having a deep relationship with people....so my relationship with Bex is great.... but unfortunately... she doesn't do it for me sexually. I want a boy... I want a man to want me as bad as I want him. Wow... I need to do this more often... 8 beers and my  honesty comes out! :)

Fuck..... I don't know what I'm going to do with Bex. Like I said... I love her. I miss her... I want her but I don't want to give up anything when it comes to my other life. It doesn't help that her stomach turns whenever I'm too gay. (her words) Sometimes I say something that implies that I'm gay and she quickly starts to behave like she's sick. It's terrible... being who I am makes my lover...my love... a sick girl. I think honestly that I could flourish in a relationship with both Bex and a male lover. My therapist seems to agree as well.... I love her by the way... she makes me feel like a million bucks! Therapy is working out well for me... not so much for Bex and I... but for me as a person...very well.

Gad... this post is a long one! Almost as nice as Mr.Tex's.... I'm going to stop myself right there.... good night everyone.. hope my drunken lush-iness.... isn't a turn off ;) Good night sweeties. ;)

Love B♂bby

4 comments:

  1. Bobby: You are only a little drunk because this is as coherent as post as any other. Since Bex only recently agreed to counseling, you have to give that some time to work. It's very clear you can thrive in your dual bi world; the trick is getting Bex's OK to do. Is she secure enough? Does she love you enough to want this for you? I don't know, you have to convince her that she is the only gal for you and that you still love and want to have sex with her. Unlike other bi-guys struggling with this, you still enjoy sex with your wife (the 20% S8 side shines through). For those guys on the down low, who haven't had sex for years with their wives, that becomes a telling sign.

    So for now, keeping hanging in there, no need to rush a rash decision.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I try really hard to not sound drunk! I just had some really great gay sex bi myself. I've been horny all day long and I just needed to cum. I broke out the vibe and my fav lube and enjoyed 20 minutes of bliss. Oh I'm going to fall asleep in a min. Night world :) and good morning ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bobby: Sweet dreams little bi boy! Rest your weary heart, tomorrow is another day, but one where you can sleep in and savor your temporary singleness. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your post made me cry. You're in a difficult place right now, but with time, you'll find your answers. It's good Bex will be joining you in counseling.

    ReplyDelete