29 April 2011

married man

I need to acknowledge something, so I can kind of set the record straight. I'm being kind of a douche bag. I say this because I am thoroughly enjoying text flirting and sharing naked pics behind my wifes back. I'm keeping this a secret and yes I know it goes against everything that I preach.

She's back on Monday, late Monday and work has let me off for the weekend so that means a 4 day weekend mother fuckers! I've already started the party by coming home and drinking some beer, gonna pass out soon and when I wake up I either may drink some more or flirt some more. I really really really (that's three times) love flirting. It's one of the things that I do best... and enjoy the most. It's terrible bc I know that Bex would be devastated if she found out, so in my best interests I'm going to tone down the flirting and still not say anything to her.

Apparently I like to be tortured because today while checking my email and looking at face book, i decided to watch my wedding video of when Bex and I got married. It was soo weird seeing me getting married. I had watched it previously but each time is like the first. I never remember any of the details about the actual video, so I always feel like I need to watch it. That feeling of being an asshole rose to new levels when the camera panned up to Bex's face and the excitement of saying I do shown on the tv screen... then i remembered that I was hardly 21 when I decided it was reasonable to get married. It's no excuse by any means, but now I do understand all those people saying that I was too young.

I don't think that I should be a married man right now. I'm not going to call it quits but I need to lock something down as a definitive answer as what I'm going to do in my love life. I love Bex but we have a lot of problems outside of the bisexuality that we haven't begun to deal with. I found the other day while chatting with Mr. Tex's wife that she really really loves him and visa versa. That made me feel happy that two bi people could love one another and rejoice in life's awesomeness. It also made me think that I don't share such feelings about Bex. I haven't been 'in love' for quite some time now. The goal (for me) is to fall back in love and work this bi business later, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to fall back into love.

It's weird, how you can love someone without being in love with them. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I can't imagine life without Bex and at the same time it feels like it may be a relief. That's terrible. I've been drinking too much and now I have to pee... so please ignore this depressing rambling of sorts and please have a beautiful day.

I will be doing something that's for sure... it's going to be sunny today... maybe i'll tweet to my hearts delight today. I dunno but I will probably blog some more this weekend. Ttyl... sorry for the rambling. :)

5 comments:

  1. Life is all about the choices you make, for better or worse. You have to live with your choices, but at the same time you can acknowledge that you made some bad choices and try to correct that. Getting married was a really big choice, while flirting with guys is a very small choice.

    Don't change the big picture just because the little things are taking your attention, that is probably the wrong thing to do. There may be justification in your life to change the big picture, but from what I read, your not saying that part clearly.

    Marriage is part about being yourself, and part about being the person your spouse thinks you should be. Sometimes this works out to the best as your spouse may see the best in you. You didn't enter into the marriage lightly and you shouldn't try to end it lightly either, because your life will change.

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  2. Bobby, you're not alone. I'm not married, but I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I feel exactly as you describe in this post, and sharing this with her was the hardest thing for her to hear. We resolved to work on it, but I still haven't told her I'm bi. So, my life is a slightly different mess, but a mess all the same. Wish I could tell you what to do, but the fact is I have no idea what to do myself.

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  3. Bobby: As long as you are self aware of what you are doing, and kind of feeling it's wrong (I'm not saying it is, just acknowledging what you said), there must be something deep down that causing you to act out this way. You hint at it already, but whether you can face the realities of your waning love or find some way to rekindle those flames, your guy lust will always be a shadow following you. It is what it is and I hope the marriage counseling you are going to will help.

    PS: I didn't get any naked flirting pictures from you. :-( Nah, you better not send them my way, I won't be able to stop drooling.

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  4. I flirt a lot. I often do it with my wife sitting a couple feet away as I do it. Sometimes I've even found myself sticking my tongue down some boy's throat while she's carrying on a conversation, pausing to follow the eyes of ther person she's talking to, only to look back and say, "That's my Panda." But that works for us. It doesn't work for everyone.

    You have to decide your own destiny. Do what's right ... For you.

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  5. I LOVE flirting with you btw... just wish I could work that into my life without causing so much drama.

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