01 April 2011

my bleeding heart

No April fools jokes here, I'm too gullible and too lame to pull one off. It never fails every April 1st, I wake up in a haze (as usual) and I go online only to discover that google did this or a celebrity said that only to realize that it's an April fools joke. I'm like "OMG! OMG! Google motion!" I'm a dummy.

I finally had a moment of clarity in terms of my relationship. The other day I told Bex that while she's away on vacation in Chicago, that I was going to visit the gay club with Party girl. Stupid, yes... honest... yes. I thought long and hard about keeping my plans to myself, but in the end if I preach openness and honesty, then I should tell her my intentions, especially if my intentions are just to have fun. Obviously it didn't sit well with her and she started to get irate and started to break down. I was ready to defend myself and stood up for myself while trying to soothe her wounds. In the end I got her to acknowledge that she can't have this grip of insecurity about me forever, bc that's no way to live... and that she needs to start trusting me again, because somewhere along the line I lost all of her trust.

Not that I was asking for her blessing or her permission. I already have it in my mind that Party girl and I are going to have lunch and then dance our asses off. That's all I plan to do, maybe some flirting but I'm starting to feel over it. It depends on how much I want to drink and how in control I want to stay, hmm... party girl is a coworker and I don't want to end up fondling her again, so It's prob best I keep drinking to a minimum. She's hot and mixing alcohol with overflowing lust that radiates from my crotch... it'll make for a bad combo.

Last night at work I realized exactly what the next step was for Bex and I. Besides marriage counseling (which Bex suggested yesterday) I think that I need to put my heart out (yet again) on the line and really spell out what I want from her. I'm going to write her a letter (or love letter) entailing everything and baring my soul completely openly and honestly to try to gain some understanding and let her know where I stand. In more words than what i'll post here I will write:

That my love for men and wants for affection from men are part of the fiber of my being. That I love her and want to be with her forever and that this is who I am. I love gay porn, I love fashion, I love watching movies with her, I love cooking with her, I love having sex with her, I love getting excited when a hot stud walks by me, I love blogging, that I'm curious about what it feels like to give head, or feel male affection, that I love the internet and I'm a big fat nerd... and that all of these things are a part of me, they are all engrained within me and nothing will ever change that. If she wants to stay with me and realizes that this is me and that I'll never be the guy she married, and she can live with the fact that I'll always struggle when it comes to not being with a man... and can learn to love me for who i am... then I'll be able to love her back and realize that although it will be hard to do, that I would be willing to accept the fact that i'll never be able to be with a man.

I figure it'll also be a good time to apollogize for all the confusion, heartbreak and dream crushing that I've caused ever since I cried out 'I'm bi' that night in 2009. It's kind of a make it or break it deal, because I'm going to bare it all and not pussy foot around and just tell her straight up... If you love me, then realizes what the 'real me' is. From talking to her recently, I realized that she's struggling to realize and accept that this guy in front of her is me, and not someone who just needs to grow up or is going through a phase. I've concluded thus far from therapy that I am indeed bisexual and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm also puting the ball in her court because she's told me on several occasions that she feels like I have all the power in this relationship, well I'm going to make myself vulnerable and see what happens. I may end up saving our marriage or may end up ending it.

Damn, I wrote more than I had planned. I hope that the long periods of no posts doesn't make you all feel like I've abandoned you, I've just been busy. With all the drama, overtime and horrid sleeping pattern... i've just not been able to sit and process into a blogpost. Have a happy April fools day everyone, this fool has got to get lunch. ttyl


  1. Bobby: If she wants honesty, you should give it to her straight up what you are thinking and feeling. It's a good sign that she agreed to some marriage counseling.

    You do offer her a compromise of sorts, you can be yourself and do all that gay stuff while keeping your vows to remain faithful. That will be difficult for you and a sacrifice she needs to acknowledge. Maybe once that idea has been accepted by Bex, she will eventually loosen her grips and allow you to explore. Especially when she sees how frustrated and disappointed it makes you. Though it seems like you haven't gotten anywhere since 2009, you are make slow progress. The biggest being acceptance of yourself.

  2. I feel like yes I'm not far from where I started but at the same time I could be worse then where I started. I'm happy to feel like I'm not going backwards which is always a good thing :).
    Note: I wanted to add:
    I realized how badly this post is worded and it's bc I was incoherently tired, groggy and without coffee. Also I think that I've processed what I want to say, but want ready to say it out loud.

  3. Just an observation....

    "I finally had a moment of clarity in terms of my relationship."

    Seems like you have lots of moments of clarity. One moment, your clear about getting divorced and getting you "gay" on, and one moment you're committed to your marriage.

    I'm pretty sure that's not too unusual, but maybe you need to see which clarity occurs more often.


  4. If that one day does come Bobby, where Bex can accept you as you are, how would you feel about not ever being able to be with another guy (at least physically)? Im not sure if you'd feel any better than you do now.