11 April 2011

Rolling in the deep

I am mere hours away from picking up Bex and completely ending my weekend of freedom. This weekend was my rumspringa or my spring break. I had actually jotted that down on paper like a week ago: 'marriages need a rumspringa' much to Bex's dismay, honestly though... for both partners in a marriage... time apart is necessary to evaluate your marriage and life (especially if both people are admittedly unhappy.)

I had the biggest fears about this weekend.

1. That I would be alone, terribly terribly bored.
2. That Bex was going to move on and decide not to return or to return temporarily.
3. That I make Bex feel like this song.  (Rolling in the deep by Adele) I love it by the way although it makes me feel like a monster because I feel like she's singing it to me. (Just like Jar of hearts by Christina Perri.)
4. I would not be capable of being happy alone and don't have the fortitude of going out and being social.

well... here's what I've learned from my vacation.


1. Being alone feels natural to me, evident by my therapists suggestions of just being alone sometimes and being creative. There was almost no time for boredom this weekend as I always had something going on or I was doing something productive.

2. Bex started to break down during the last stretch of her trip. She stopped wanting to be social, started getting frustrated, irate, irrational and confused. (Personally I believe that she's been outside her comfort zone for too long... It happened in Vegas as well... Oh and Bex is totally the instigator of drama! OMFG I was drama free all weekend, except for when I got texts from her.)

3. Since being apart, Bex has tripled her need to be close to me, to send me I love you's and I miss you's. I think she's having a terribly difficult time. It scares me though because I'm not sure if its based on love or fear.

4. I had the fattest smile on my face all weekend long! I was able to breathe, the strawberries tasted sweeter and the sun shined brighter! I had my big beautiful mornings and my hot steamy nights. I was able to live for me. In the end I really enjoyed this weekend.

I'm left with a bitter sweet feeling. Saddened because it's ending, but even sadder because the joy I felt is fleeting as we speak. I am happy that I am capable of being happy... something that I wasn't too sure about previously.

So what to do now? Move forward. It's all that I can think of. I can't continue living with Bex's constraints. I understand that marriages have constraints, there's no qualms about that. I have to live life for me and share that with her, not live life for her and allow myself to be there for the ride. I just hope that she's not going along for the ride with me. All in all.. no regrets and I can look forward to repeating it sometime soon.

Still Happy and still Love my life :D

8 comments:

  1. OMG! I have to e-mail you so bad. Your last 3-5 post are so much me and how I feel. Married, bi, never done it with a dude, love trading xxx pics and now you go and mention Jar of Hearts. I can take anymore. Now, i just have to reopen a secret e-mail account. I bet you love to cam too ; )

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  2. "I have to live life for me and share that with her..."

    This is what I am coming to terms with. I have to be in the present, accept that we are two people, my wife and I, who are accompanying one another on the ride, and not locked together unwillingly in our marriage. It's funny how conditioning colors one's view of these things.

    You both are young. You've the insecurities and fears that come with youth. You've no experience in dealing with these things, the subtle nuances that make things work out in marriage. Thing is: I'm nearly twice your age and am still trying to perfect a lot of that in my own marriage.

    Just do what's right. Do what's right for both of you. And do the things that will give you the least cause for regret.

    All my best, babe.

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  3. I think this weekend has been a big indication that you and Bex are not meant to be. You are clearly happier without her.

    However, Bex is clearly still caught up on you. You will be the bad guy in this situation if you were to break up with here.

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  4. @mind of mine: My plans are to continue with my marriage. I know that I'd be the bad guy and I didn't get married to give up on my wife so easily. I'm taking it as somewhat of a learning experience, that space... is a good thing especially when things get volatile. I will work with my sweetheart if she's willing to work with me. I think she needs me now more than ever and I'll be the boy I always am and try my best to help and understand.

    @Mr.Tex: (hope you don't mind I brand you that way mutant panda ;) .) Marriage is difficult right?! OMG throw bisexuality in the mix and you get crazy mix of sex and mess. I just hope to come out alive at the end and that Bex can be a vibrant sexy happy person, I want that for both of us, it's just a matter of can it happen together. I hope so.

    @anonymous: :) you make me smile. I don't cam just chat with some guys, although I make a terrible chat buddy... FOC can attest to this bc I take weeks to respond and Mr.Aussie can tell you that I hardly skype him if ever. :D Twitter is a good way to reach me faster though.

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  5. I guess I'll allow YOU to call me 'Tex' because you're adorable and sexy. Don't tell anyone I gave you that permission though. I'd hate for everyone to start calling me that.

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  6. lolz. BTW I feel terrible for portraying myself as miserable that she's coming back... I'm anxious and I miss her. Just nervous about carrying the happiness into my married self.

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  7. Bobby: Don't worry about the delays in responding to me, chatting with you is always worth the wait because I get something new every time we touch.

    With this post, you are very much in touch with your inner feelings and openly reflective of those fears that we tend to hide. I did not expect you to be bored with your weekend freedom at all, yet in the back of your mind you wondered what it would be like to taste freedom even though you have been looking so forward to a little escape.

    Your identity is not tied so tightly to your wife, but it seems her worth and insecurities really is joined to you as a couple. Some balance is in order, as any thing taken to extremes usually is not healthy. When you are married, you create a new family entity but you still need to maintain your own standing as a person as well.

    You are stronger than you think because lesser men would get seasick over the emotional ups and downs you ride out every day. I wish I was there to give you a long hug, I would not want to let go.

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