28 April 2011


Finally here it is!!!! Ready for it...!!! (Crap, is this a let down?) Ok so this is what I've been wanting to share. The other day while in deep thought, moments before falling asleep I thought about two stories that I wrote a couple of years ago. The more I thought about them the more thrilled I became because of how obvious my problems were to me and how much I didn't want to face them directly. I'll elaborate.

The first story that I wrote was about a boy named Adam. He was 17 and in high school. (Much like me when I wrote it.) He had a girlfriend, a car, a life. He volunteered in his community, was a very sweet guy and physically he was lean and naturally fit but not overdone. He was perfect. I spent many nights just perfecting his quirky attitude, his confidence, introducing him to his hot girlfriend and perfecting his world. He was happy and had no reason to be sad, but there was something still missing. I wish I had something to actually show you but I can't find either of these writings. Long story short I spent a good 20+ pages building this world.

The second story was about a boy named Ace. He was older, 22 or so. He was constantly depressed. He didn't have such a happy life. By this age he had already tried to commit suicide. He was hott! Brandon Lewis status, total hotty. Somehow he managed to have a very jock like build (don't ask me how, he didn't spend his days working out.) Any who he meets this girl a total hottie who's main focus is helping Ace. They start a relationship together and things seem to improve for him. Ace and girlfriend break up because he becomes emotionally unavailable and somehow he gets into doing gay porn. He's ashamed and can't handle it, subsequently he starts doing drugs. He longs to be back with his girlfriend but doesn't know how he can turn things around. I never got to writing about whether or not he liked the gay sex, it was just something that he was doing, but I think that some part of him did and maybe that's why he couldn't handle it.

Both of my guys I realize now were an image of what I wanted or feared. I didn't really have a social life in high school and through Adam I had friends, a car, a girlfriend. I could do what I wanted and I had the confidence and freedom to do it. Although he had everything, something always seemed missing from his story, something that wasn't right. I couldn't figure it all out and in frustration he died in a car accident. He was hit head on by a drunk driver. (In a freaky turn of events, in real life I got into a really bad car accident (Not my fault) and my life changed then too.) It was the end of his story and I had no where else to go with Adam.

With Ace I was exploring my attraction for men and my sadness as an in the closet repressed and in denial bisexual. Also I didn't have a terrible childhood but my parents can be assholes and I demonized his parents and his childhood in angst. I never got to writing about him actually doing gay porn, it was more of a plot point that I knew had to be mapped out. The details were never there because I never allowed myself to go that far. Plus I had never really watched gay porn at that point. I was telling myself so much but I wasn't listening.

It's interesting to note that in both these stories, these guys had girlfriends. Sadly enough though, they were secondary characters. They were never at the same level as the guys were. I obsessed, defined and refined these boys. I knew them, I loved them... but the girls... they were only there to serve the purpose of girlfriend to. I jumped out of bed and wrote 'and the award for best supporting actress goes to' Bex, in my journal. It's disturbing to think that you have someone in your life who you will always put in second place like that.

I've not been able to stop thinking about whether or not I'll always treat Bex (or other women) in my life as secondary characters. Fuck I wish I could reread these stories. What do you think? I'm analyzing everything that I do now a days because a lot of my behavior and writing is very telling. Oh and I also realized that I have not written fiction about me actually getting with a guy.... things I write tend to lead me into a certain direction. I guess it's life imitating art? (If you can call it art.) I do need to write me some good smut though.

My head is in a dirty place ;) I leave you with the thought of me hitting the showers, because that's where I'm going right now. Hope I didn't disappoint ;) ttylz


  1. Wow. You got a lot going on in that cute noodle!

  2. Bobby: It's good to have a creative outlet like these fictionalized stories. Maybe back then when you did not have the ability, resources or courage to act out your fears, hopes, and dreams in real life, they helped sustain you. But today, you have an interesting life that waiting to be realized -- that's the story I want to hear about, to see how things unfold for you.