02 May 2011

baby mama drama

Today is Monday May 2nd and my wife returns from her trip. My emotions can't be placed at the moment, I'm happy that she's returning, scared of what she may be bringing back with her and saddened by the thoughts that ran through my mind while she was away.

One thing that Bex and I talked about during that phone call where I was just a cold ass hole was about Oregon, the state she's visiting. She absolutely loves it there and took to it a whole lot more than she took to Chicago. Her sister is having a baby (their first) and she got to thinking about how great of a place it is to raise a child. Maybe this was the point where I checked out, but for good reasons. Fatherhood scares the shit out of me.

I raised my two younger brothers. My parents were around but they were emotional voids, they still are. I've learned to look at my parents as a paycheck with only the minimum skills to parent. I ensured that my brothers had a childhood and the moment that I left the house at age 19, their world started to fall apart. (Probably why my brothers wont have anything to do with me now, but that's a different story) I've been a "parent", not financially but emotionally (somewhat) and I feel as if I don't want to do that again. When we entered our marriage I very naively wanted to have at least 1 child, something that Bex to this day wants, just the 1 child.

I lament as I've had a change of heart (yet another). Having a child scares the crap out of me. It's not necessarily the financial commitments, time and effort that would have to be exhausted or the inability to connect, I'm almost 100% sure that I'd love and rejoice in having a child, it's the other stuff... the stuff that shouldn't matter that matters. I think to myself, if I have a child, it makes this bad situation worse. My sexuality would have to be repressed even further because having a child would make it even more unacceptable to Bex for me to ever have m2m contact.



Like I said I've already somewhat fathered two boys and in a sense I feel very much so like I'm fathering my wife. My therapist and I have concluded that her utter dependency on me and my inability to force her to do anything is putting me in that position once again. Bex's phone call is where my weekend went to crap, It was no longer fun to be naughty, I had to worry yet again about my life getting more and more complicated.

I can see that there are some bisexual husbands who are fathers out on the blogosphere, it's not unheard of and I even spent the first part of the weekend flirting with one. I can see myself being a father, but I can't see myself actually doing any of the things that right now are pushing me to get a divorce.

This morning I woke up from a dream that caught me by surprise, reason being... Bex was in it. She's never in my dreams but this one was pretty much just a replay of what happens sometimes when we have sex.

It was morning time and before heading out to make breakfast I turned and looked at Bex and decide that I wanted her then and there. I stripped down while she's was just getting out of bed and I pushed her back down onto the bed. I was already hard and she was already smiling and eager. We started having sex and it felt great at first, I was so excited and happy that we're 'connecting again'. Shortly after and I mean very shortly after I start feeling like it's going away. The excitement is winding down and I'm struggling to maintain that boner of mine. Then, I wake up.

This week shall be an interesting one for many many reasons.

6 comments:

  1. Oh god, I can't imagine how hard your situation to be. You are in your twenties and married but yet obviously have a lot to learn and some experimenting to do. Why you put yourself through this commitment at such a young age is beyond.

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  2. just read this line "My therapist and I have concluded that her utter dependency on me" I've been married 32years and feel totally trapped due to her dependency on me. Don't make my mistake and waste your life. You are young enough to have a life and not stick around because of her depenency. 56 year old full of regrets. E

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  3. Guess who else is the oldest of 3 brothers? But I left home at 18, did marry at 22. Yep, it's mister made you smile from the jar of hearts post. I am so in your shoes.

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  4. @Mr. Jar of Hearts... Damn... is there a Bobby Derrekson/bisexual male template out there? I thought god damned the mold after I was made.. but it seems like there are too many of us out there lol!

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  5. Bobby: You are wise to see the warning signs in having a baby when you are not ready. It is regrettable that your younger brothers view you as abandoning them. It is a fear of all kids and the fact that their real parents cannot fill the void explains why you needed to get out yourself.

    In this day few families can afford to have a housewife mother. She needs to go out and get a job, get some skills and experience and stand up a little by herself. That alone would cause great tension in your relationship, putting aside all the bisexual stuff you have to deal with. I still hope marriage counseling can help but adding a baby to the mix right now sounds like a bad idea.

    I can see why some of the married bisex guys out there refer to having kids as a "trap." I'm sure they do consider that a rhetorical observation since most of them dearly love their kids but you have enough struggles pulling you in different directions. A kid, for now, is not the answer.

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  6. Good luck on this one my friend. everyone thinks that a beautiful child will cure alot of ills. I hope you have some condoms for back-up.

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