28 May 2011

cock therapy

Hi, It's been a while. I needed a break from everything, unfortunately life does not allow you to pause everything at once. I've been consumed by the monster that is my job and as well as not sleeping through the night. If Mr. V thought I was a slave before to my job, now I'm a slave and whipping boy (got chewed by my boss because I did exactly what my position requires of me aka doing my job.) (Work drama that I'm going to leave at work, no need to reminisce about such horrid things.)

Bex and I have finally phone tagged our couples therapist and we have a set date to start therapy next week. We couldn't reach each other for the longest time but Bex finally caught up with her and had a chat. I really wanted Bex to spear head this one because I'm all too familiar with talking to therapists, so she did. We're both nervous that this will be the beginning of the end or a hard beginning to a good life together. We're both trying to stay positive, but we have our worries.

I'm torn between telling Bex about my habit of text flirting and exchanging of nudies. I know I'm cheating our relationship by having done such things. I owe it to her to tell her so that she knows and I know that I have earned whatever anger, frustration or sadness she throws my way... but I still feel like I'd be telling her something she should just go without knowing.

My quest for doing such things was to see if that would be enough for me, enough to keep me excited about life and monogamous. I don't think it's enough but it sure felt gratifying. That's what I was afraid of. Some dopey part of me wanted to see if male attention was enough for me to see that what I have is great and to cherish it. Although I do still want to cherish what I have, I still want that attention and affection. This is another one of those moments where I thought it would be enough, but it wasn't. If getting hit on was enough then maybe I could relax and just learn to love her and not look for anything else. Apparently it's not that easy for me.


Enough with the deep stuff, let's get to the horny stuff. Dude... I've been getting laid left and right. Apparently none of this stress is affecting Bex's sex drive because she's been hornier than a damn cat in heat. OMG. I've been pretty horny too but the fat pink elephant in the room generally is a boner killer. Yesterday I was laying in bed next to her naked, just cuddling and torturing her because it's one of my favorite things to do. She wasn't having any of it and started to torture me by petting me all over. It turned into a quickie as I was only minutes away from leaving for work. She was left satisfied and I was left exhausted as I was already running on little sleep and two cups of coffee.

Bex had been horny ever since she caught me having sex in the shower. Actually that's a complete lie but I'll explain what I'm talking about. The other day I had been really horny for some action (not involving Bex) so I broke out my artificial boyfriend, lube, a condom and headed towards the showers. (Mind you this on a day I work so I'm going straight to work having worked this rubber dick like a champ.) Any who, I was discrete about the whole thing and really had lots of fun. It felt amazing but I didn't cum, I just wanted something back there. After I finished shower playing I did my usual routine of moisturizer, hair wax, hair spray, deodorant, cologne and oh yeah... toy cleaner. I cleaned my boyfriend up and placed him back into his box, safely in the nightstand. I thought I had gotten away with it. Later on Bex asks me why there was a condom in the trash, the toy cleaner out on the counter and the astroglide in the shower. Oops... so much for being sly.

 I've been working on my story! Not the one that I had babble on and on about earlier... I'm working on the smut novel. I get these lightning bolts of inspiration as I go about my day and I just start writing. I'm going to share a snippit soon of the self indulgent crap that I write, but not till I'm ready. I'm having a lot of fun just spewing all this lust into words and doing some things that I can't do for the time being. It's also fun for me to see what people influence what I write. Some of you are in this story ;) and let's just say that I'm smitten with everything that's happening as of yet.

Oh! I've concluded that I do eventually want to get a couple of tattoos and that they will be symbols that remind me of characters, for example... Adam, Ace and this new guy... AUSTIN. Since they're are all extensions of my mindset, desires and fears... I need to remind myself that I was once or am going to be all these guys. It's hard to explain but it makes sense to me. I'm hoping not to become Austin, but that sure would make for an interesting blog. I'm building up hype which is bad because I'm sure it won't live up to the hype. (I'm really good at building up hype, I'm sure I'd be killer in sales if I really cared to try.)

I'm going to go get my weekend started now. I'm going to sleep and then when I wake up, try to appreciate the beauty that is Bex. We plan on dinning at a noodle place that we've never been too and walking around downtown, (something that is rare for us.) I toasted the other day with her to: rediscover each other. I'm rambling but that's what we plan on doing, doing new things and I'm hoping to start falling in love and lust with her. I hope so badly!

So my friends, I'll chat with you soon, I've got even more stuff to ramble incessantly on! BTW.... leave me a comment, even to say hi if you don't have anything else to say... I like comments and I promise to respond if even with just a hello back. TTYL!

3 comments:

  1. Dude! Not that I'm in a position to give any advice, but DON'T GET A TATTOO!

    You are a guy that goes back and forth, from zero to sixty and back to zero every few days.

    Better wait until you get on a more even keel before you ink your fine young body with something you might regret, then cherish, then regret again.

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  2. Bobby: Sex with yourself sounds very hot . . . your wife should commend you for taking matters into your own hands rather than straying for the real thing.

    Texting nudies of yourself, ummm, she won't be happy about that. That's getting really close to the line -- now it's not really cheating but you have to think about it from the point of view of how you would feel if she did that to you. I imagine you would not be happy. At the same time, I don't think that would be enough to satisfy you because eventually you'd want the real thing. Negotiating some kind of limited open relationship is going to be your best compromise if you want to stay married and still fulfill your man-on-man wishes.

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  3. @Explorer Jack: Lol, I am Mr. Fast and Furious when it comes to mental states. I've spent years and probably will spend more thinking it through... when I'm ready I'll make sure that I'm 100% on every facet of the design.

    @FoC: I didn't play with BL, I got a little over zealous last time, so I opted for my smaller yet fucking awesome toy. OMG I had fun and look forward to spending more time with my bf. I'm keeping my lip shut for now about the nudie cheating... This whole therapy thing though, I hope it results in some kind of compromise for us. We will see :)

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