15 May 2011

He has a long one...

A long... long post. A rambling of mine at Five in the morning.

Today while out at Starbucks I saw a man in his 40's order a drink. Not uncommon but something about how he was drew my attention to him. He may have been in his late thirties, I’m not sure but he had wrinkles near his eyes, his hair was dulling in color but not grey and his face looked somewhat weathered. I'm focusing too much on the outward appearance. He was wearing a polo shirt, blue jeans and looked like a working professional on his day off. When the cute gay starbucks barista took his drink order, a little pop of personality came out from Mr. 40yr old as he felt silly ordering a drink he wasn't quite sure of. He ordered the cinnamon dolc... something. The barista knew exactly what he wanted and assured him that his cinnamon dolce latte was an actual drink. I stare too much, but I promise that I didn't do this in an obvious manner. Mr. 40yr old had really nice light colored eyes, I didn't want to stare but I know that they were light in color.


I must have been reading too much into the situation or projecting my own thoughts and beliefs on to this total stranger but I Imagined this person as one of the men that I come into contact with regularly. The boys on the blogs. He had a wedding ring on so instantly I knew that he was taken, but I imagined what it would be like to be him, him as the person I was assuming that he was. He was an attractive older gentleman who worked hard but made good money, sipped on starbucks and has a second life (or at least does things that he keeps from others in his life.) I thought about all the hoards and gaggles of blogs about bisexual and/or gay men who are dating women, are currently betrothed or are married. I found myself being one of these guys, married and bisexual, but wanting to play outside of the marriage.

I'm not saying that because I'm bisexual that I have the right to play outside the marriage or that all bisexuals are as fucked as I am and that it's a requirement. There are plenty of married bisexual men who are happy being married and monogamous. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about boys like me. Obviously I have my problems outside of sex, marriage, men and the internet... I know, but this is my biggest hang up. I'm rambling but I tend to do that anyways. I got to thinking about all the men out there that are living exactly as I am and the different spectrums of this dilemma.

There are those men who cheat with other men and feel guilty, tortured and unhappy.

There are men who cheat with other men, don't feel guilty and continue to do it. They can be happy but living two lives becomes tiring for most.

There's the type who have a marriage that is open, play outside the marriage and can be happy or not depending on them.

There's men who don't cheat but constantly struggle.

Lastly there are men who don't cheat and they don't struggle... but once again... not really seeing much of this.

Maybe I'm heavily leaning towards the negative of the situation because I fall into the tortured, unhappy, not really cheating category. There are so many of us out there and we are almost virtually invisible because at any given time we can be seen as a straight married guy, a married guy who has gay sex or simply as a gay man.

I was thinking to myself if the entire process is torturous and complex, why do we still live this life as bisexual men who need that affection? Would it not be easier to proclaim homosexuality and leave it at that? I'm most certainly not in a situation that some are in, with kids, a mortgage, financial ties. What is keeping me from just being single and cumming and going as I please?

I'm living two lives right now. Physically... I'm a married man. I wear my wedding ring, I kiss my wife, we have sex. I don't physically cheat. I've never had sex with a man. I've hardly ever hugged a man, a peck on the lips once as a game. I've never held hands, never felt more than a passing touch that never meant anything to him or to me at the same time.

Mentally though, I struggle. I know that I'm married. I know that my wife has eyes for me. I know that I chose to propose and that I actually like having sex with her. Mentally though, I'm drawn to men. I flirt, I have built this digital world for me where men come to me to read about me. I post revealing pictures, look for people to chat with, look for temptation. I go to the bar and cruise men... online. Cruise for attention and maybe even affection because I know that I can get it safety. Is it more difficult in real life? Yes, but it would be something that I would have to do if I did want that man if I wasn't married.

I live in two worlds constantly and there are things that I can't always share with each world. There are intimate details that I don't share on my blog and some blog stuff that I dare not share with my wife. I'm tired though. I'm 24 and I'm already tired of being me. I don't like having two worlds, secrets, almost two different personalities and personas. I imagine that those married men who frequent the saunas have a secret identity too. I'm becoming someone who I don't like, I always thought that I'd be an honest boy, but I'm doing things or starting to do things that aren't. I don't want to look in the mirror at 30, 40 and see someone who totally got sideswiped from who he was supposed to be. I don't want to be dead behind the eyes and I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

I think about taking the easy way out sometimes. I think about just saying, "honey. I'm gay." and let the pieces fall where they may. I can't bring myself to do that. Maybe I'm completely blind, delusional and insane but I know a lie when I hear one. I still can't bring myself to say it no matter how much I think it would help my situation. I still like women, even if it's a lot less than men. At what point does my need for male attention and affection make me gay? I'm not sure how to answer my own question.

There are plenty of men in the boat that I'm in. Many of them do things better than I do and handle their situations with more finesse. Many of them don't as well. No matter how well they handle it or if in the end they turn out to be gay, we all still deal with this inner turmoil and conflict.

There are plenty of times that I wished and told my therapist that I just wanted a cure for my bisexuality. I can see how it can enrich some peoples lives, but as for mine, please... lets cut it off. Like that leg... amputate it and please make life easier for me. Then I remember that this, this whole thing is a big part of me and it'll never ever just be shut off, cut off or wished away. I feel like I’m incapable of just staying married and resolving to just deal with it and respect the fact that it'll never happen for me. It angers me to think that it'll never happen for me because I feel to some degree that I'm failing life if that happens.

So I don't know what I’m supposed to do. I love my wife and we have our problems but I know that life comes with problems, marriage isn't easy, even for a straight couple or a gay couple. If I didn't have my wife I would feel incomplete. I feel incomplete now, too. I'm puzzled and confused.

Mr. 40yr old got his drink, went on his merry way, not realizing how much his physical presence brought up these feelings within me. The baristas were way backed up so I actually had time to have this conversation with myself. There are so many of us out there, it's comforting to not feel alone and disturbing to know that there are that many people like me: Stuck in the gray zone of needing something nearly unattainable.

5 comments:

  1. Bobby: You want to do the "right" thing -- because you know like so many others in your situation, you can easily rationalize doing the "wrong" thing, and after a while it doesn't feel wrong anymore, it feels right. But cheating on someone you profess to love, then lying about it will never be right, even if you can shed yourself of the guilt, there's not much remorse if one keeps doing that. However, it's not cheating if your wife gives you permission, and then there's no need to lie. But it takes an uncommon woman, one that is mighty secure to allow that. Some couples make that work because the companionship and financial security end up being more important than staying monogamous. That's the best solution if you can swing it.

    Now you can stay monogamous and live vicariously thru your virtual world to meet your guy needs -- to remain in tip-toe balance between your two worlds. You may feel incomplete, but you still can have a good life.

    Few people ever get everything they want in life, you just have to choose how much of it you compromise. If the thought of not ever being able to get close to guy, to feel his warmth, to embrace him and have him hold you back -- if that's too difficult to contemplate, then you have your answer on what you need to do. And if that means getting a divorce so you can do the "right" thing, then there's a path forward for you.

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  2. Your thoughts, moods and posts bounce all over the place. That's understandable. You're struggling and looking for solutions yet you feel pulled in very different directions.

    If I could nail your feet to the ground for a while, it would be to hold this thought: "I'm becoming someone who I don't like, I always thought that I'd be an honest boy, but I'm doing things or starting to do things that aren't. I don't want to look in the mirror at 30, 40 and see someone who totally got sideswiped from who he was supposed to be. I don't want to be dead behind the eyes and I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately."

    This person you fear you could become - it's a very real possibility. Becoming that man IS the easy path. All you have to do is stop expecting very much from yourself - things like honesty, standards, vows and compassion. Forget those things and you can do what you like and keep Bex hooked too. The most difficult option is to stay honest.

    The truth is, you made a life-long commitment before you could fully understand yourself and your needs. You're a bi or gay man who has never been with a man. You feel like you're missing so much. Those feelings will never go away, and in fact, your inability to act on them is CERTAIN to grow into major resentment. You can look forward to being permanently mad at yourself, mad at Bex, and mad at society and then being permanently depressed because everything sucks. Then FINALLY one day you'll get sick of it.

    The truth is you will never, ever find lasting happiness in your current situation. You must fully explore your attraction to men and live through all the joys and all the sorrows of life with men before you can ever be in position to make a life-long commitment to a woman. Your intentions were good and honest when you married but you just didn't realize the enormity of what you were doing. The best thing you can do at this point is to take full responsibility, make apologies and amends as best you can, and take the heaps of shit that will come your way. Once all the bad stuff is over you'll feel a million times better and so will Bex. Then you can live as a single man for a while and have the time and opportunity to discover who you really are and what you really want.

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  3. Bobby: OK, something not so serious -- there's even a joke about bisexuals in this one.

    http://tv.gawker.com/5801992/watch-snls-live+action-version-of-the-ambiguously-gay-duo

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  4. Two lives: Good advice. I'm sure there is no "right" way to go, and certainly no easy way, but your suggestion seems to be as good as it gets.

    Jack.

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  5. your blog realy hits home, last man, lad or boy i was close to was 33years ago, before i married. I've passed that 30 or 40 year thing and i think its getting too late to change and be true to myself, the years pass by while you are waiting. I love your blogs they remind me so much of when i was in my 20's.

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