03 May 2011

Is that all there is!?

Morning y'all. Just woke up ready for the day and realized that I had only slept 3-4 hours, considering that I have to work at 8 pm tonight, I'm a tad concerned. Whatever I figure I can stay up for a bit then doze off again.

There are moments that I stop for a second and ask myself, "What the fuck are you doing?" (LOL interestingly enough when I ask myself wtf am I doing, in my mind it's in Mr. V's voice.) Honestly I don't know sometimes and I know that it's said to just 'go with the flow in life', but I'm mortified of making another big mistake. I'm afraid to fail which I know is a big problem, but failure in this situation means a rocky divorce or a fake marriage.

I made my first mistake in high school, unfortunately my history of errors started then. I liked men and lusted after them. In hindsight it was crystal clear but I was not yet ready to start dealing with sexual issues. Since at the time I enjoyed women (and still do currently but don't quote me on that) I summed the other feelings up as flighty insignificant oddities of my mind. They didn't mean anything right, because I liked women.

I grew up in a household were I wasn't really allowed to be young and normal, so most of my interactions with people my age were awkward as fuck. I was a very awkward teenager who played 'parent' and had a very skewed view of everything because the reality is... my parents are nuts. They're also very controlling and religious, all which aided in my repression. I'm not faulting them for it, but it does need to be said... Mom, Dad... you are fucking nuts.

There were tiny missed opportunities to explore my sexuality in high school but I was too afraid of what it meant to be gay or even have sex at that point. [Like I said, I wasn't normal :-( ] I sneaked whatever porn I could from the computers at the public library (since we were the only family that didn't have the internet) and most if not all of it was gay.

The second mistake I made was being eager to settle down after high school. During my years in high school I had two girl friends, both relationships ending because I didn't behave like a typical red blooded male who's interested in women. They didn't last and I can't blame those girls. I thought it was because I wasn't "man enough" and turning to my mother for dating advice was retarded of me.

I'm getting off topic. My second mistake happened because I was desperate and alone. I had me a shit job, started making money and started looking for someone. Bex was a remnant of my high school life in Las Vegas and my lifeline to normality and youth. She also had a job but also had aspirations and did normal post high school teenage things. She went to concerts, had friends, underage drank, frequented the strip and seemingly had a direction she was going in. We had always been at odds her and I in HS but near the end we got 'closer'. Our friendship became apparent and after many many long nights of talking, I started to fall for her. She was a sign that I was capable of being 'normal' and that life isn't as terrible as it seems while living at home.

So when I obsessed/lusted over Bex and we decided to become an item I thought that I had hit the jackpot. I no longer needed to even think about men, my mother, raising a my family or being this sad sap of an adult child. I moved quickly towards Bex. I'm sure that my feelings about men didn't disappear, I just didn't have the time to think about them.

Since 2006 when I decided to move out I was in a whirlwind of experiencing new things. Moving, paying bills, interviewing for jobs, meeting new friends, traveling... it was all enough to keep my mind busy. It wasn't till 2007-2008 when Bex and I moved to NC, settled down and got married that these issues resurfaced. I remember this uneasy feeling the day of our wedding and I couldn't pinpoint why I was hesitant so I just went with it.

It's horrifying for me to say that we didn't officially have sex until about six months after we got married. I'm still not sure if it was because of Bex's medical issue or it was made worse by me. I wanted to have sex and be sexual, but it happened all too late. The night that we officially were able to have sex I remember thinking to myself afterwards... oh my god... is that all there is... to sex? Have you heard that song by Peggy Lee... when ever I'm on a downer I listen to it because it ever so beautifully sums up the ability to be disappointed and unimpressed in a funny sad sort of way. Sadly even on the best nights when I'm on my A game and Bex is exerting some effort... I find myself saying... is that all there is?

I'm not leaving my wife because our sex is bad (bad is such a negative term..) unfulfilling for me. What kind of person would I be if I left the person that I swore to love wholly based on that reason. My sexuality is the big pink elephant in the room, but there are other issues outside the realm of sex and gender that strain my marriage. It's what makes it so difficult but my plan is to get my marriage to the point where it will be the sexuality that makes it unable to move forward. If I can improve the areas besides my bi/gay wanton needs then my marriage has a fighting chance to survive. At that point I can say, "Sweetie you make me happy and I love our marriage, but I'm going to need to express myself sexually with a man in order for me to feel whole." Right now I can't say the first part without feeling like a cheat and a liar.

I believe and I may be wrong about this but the married guys gay or bi understand why I'm drawing this out just a bit. I don't ever want to give up on this beautiful person who's just wanting to be loved by me, but I promise you and myself that I won't be beating a dead horse. Both Bex and I have talked about knowing how long we'll let this go on for, so things need to start improving or I will have to start planning a divorce and gay bachelorhood.

I've already told myself that if this marriage ultimately fails, that I'm going to try living life as a gay man for a while. (After a grieving period of course) Like I've said many a time, I don't believe that I'm gay (completely) but at that point there wouldn't be any harm just seeing for myself.

We'll I've certainly strayed from the topic of listing mistakes... I'm turning this post into a two parter because I'm just finding more and more to talk about! So I hope you've enjoyed this confession of sins (of sorts). There really isn't much more than what I just wrote. I admitted finally that I did look at gay porn as a young teen and yes... I did know but wasn't ready to deal with being bisexual/gay. Honesty... it's a bitch isn't it.

I will ttyl boys Have a great Tuesday!


  1. decisions are made on a daily basis, the reality is that right or wrong, decisions are made and life goes on. We don't live in a perfect world, shit happens, live with it, move on, and it becomes your character. You have the final decision weather that is good or bad, no one else, and its what ever you say it is.

  2. Your thoughts are basically mine, right down to Peggy Lee. That's horrifying and comforting at the same time.

  3. Bobby: When you were forced to grow up a lot faster than others, you didn't have the luxury of experiencing normal teenage life. Now, it feels like you are trying to recapture some of that time where you didn't have to deal with all this adult stuff. It's understandable you wanting to be free of these responsibilities but like your bisex struggle, you are being tugged in different directions.

    It's admirable you want to do the right thing for your marriage but Bex has got to meet you halfway. I still say lets see how the marriage counseling works out before deciding. I wonder if you share all these thoughts that you blog about with her? If she knew what you were feeling and where this is coming from, perhaps she would be more sympathetic?

    While you can't change the past, you can set yourself up for a better future.

  4. HAHA... my voice... is that a mockery?

  5. Your feelings in High School: Normal, average

    The way you delt with it: Common. Almost all of us with those feelings supressed/tried to supress it.

    Hoping that finding the perfect woman would finally allow you to grow out of this "phase": Again, normal, common.

    I'll bet your parents were nuts, and I honestly think you're a little crazy sometime, but the high school experience you just described, as well as finding comfort in a hetero relationship, is the way all of us closeted (bi or gay) guys did it.

    So, yah, maybe you're fucked up, but you're in good company.

  6. Is Jameson "Mr. V?"

  7. I too were thinking have you voiced to Bex at least 25% of what you've put on this blog. I'm not sure if she knew how you felt if she would stick around. Continue couunseling & taking it day by day.

  8. Bobby: Everyone seems intrigued by Mr. V, you'll have to share more about him one of these days.

  9. Bobby: Your Part 2 post doesn't have a place for comments, which is kind of a weird glitch. I cannot believe you lost all that weight since you got married -- what's your secret? You should be on a Subway commercial, just like Jared. :-) That's amazing and you should be proud of that accomplishment.

    As for that second pic you included in your post, you pointed out the t-shirt but I ended up staring at something else that instantly captured my attention. I could not miss it, it so dominated my field of vision. LOL!