Last night (or rather this morning) my world was completely turned upside down. I don't even know where to begin writing this post. Bex and I spent the day out but we changed our plans up. Her and I ended up at Victorias Secret, dinned out at Outback and had a late night Starbucks date at the Starbucks Mr. V and I used to frequent. We had a great day together, I had decided when I woke up that I wasn't going to get in my way and that's precisely what I did.
After our day was finished we spent some time together in opposites sides of the living room. She watched a documentary and I sketched some. While sketching I caught up with Mr. V via text and listened to Born this way on my cell phone. It was your typical night, nothing out of the ordinary. After I decided to stop sketching and Bex's documentary was over, we watched a documentary about the movie Deep Throat and what a stir it caused when it came out. My emphasis on all of this is that there isn't anything odd or out of the ordinary about my day because what happened next was crazy but in a good way.
Bex and I headed off into the bedroom to call it a night. I had been horny all day and after watching some old porn well off into the night, I was still in the mood despite having given up all hope to get laid. To my surprise Bex was horny and not at all tired. We started to have sex but something about today felt different, better. I can't put my finger on it, but something was completely different about this time. My excitement level was to the roof top and unlike most times that we have sex, I started feeling like I was going to finish soon after we had started. Bex was quite surprised but decided that she could get off another way and let me finish.
If there was ever a reason why I thought that I might be gay it was for the simple fact that whenever Bex and I had sex, It felt great but I was always left semi satisfied. It never compared to when I watched porn or had a sexy shower. I always theorized that maybe I was doing something wrong or maybe something inside me was broken because since day 1 when we finally had sex... it felt great but something was wrong. Something was lacking enough for me to say "Is that all there is?" After so long of asking this very question and my added attraction for men... well it got me started thinking that yes... maybe I am just... gay or worse... maybe that is all there is to sex. My biggest fear was that if and when I did have gay sex... that I'd feel absolutely no different then when Bex and I had sex. I always asked Bex if she enjoyed having sex and she's always said that she has a 'fucking great time', so I thought that I had a problem.
There is still no explanation as to why I felt the way that I did while we had sex last night. I was entranced by finishing, it felt amazing. Whatever those actors felt as they came for the cameras, what all these bloggers write about, what I assumed others got out of sex... it was happening for me. In Choke a movie based on a book by Chuck Palahniuk the main character is addicted to sex and describes an orgasm as a few seconds of bliss that makes everything just go away. Well much like what I've always theorized an orgasm was like during sex, I experienced something that was euphoric, enthralling and captivated my entire soul. For the first time while orgasming with my wife, my face was flush, I could feel happiness on my face. My heart raced, I was out of breath and the chemicals in my head swirled like if this was the first orgasm I ever had. What I thought I might only experience with a man, or with another person... I experienced with my wife.
I stayed silent as I rolled onto my side of the bed. There were too many thoughts racing through my head. I got up and went to the restroom to clean up. In the restroom I took a minute to catch my breath, still my world was spinning, my heart racing. As I laid back into bed I felt whole, satisfied, complete. I had completely forgotten that Bex still hadn't gotten off. After I got her off we talked about why I was being so silent, why my face had flushed. Bex said that my lips had turned a different color. I had always had a physical orgasm, but never had a mental one, not while screwing. Besides being awoken by an unknown caller in the morning... I melted into the bed.
Where does this leave me now? I've been pondering that all morning. Still... very very much attracted to men. Still have those urges to hug, kiss, lick, suck, fuck and be fucked by a hot stud and I'll still push my agenda... but last night sure shook things up. Now I'm obsessing about Bex and I'll prob crawl back into bed and see if I can't make my way in between her legs. I don't know what any of this means but I'm going to try my darnedest to repeat whatever it was that happened. (I know that not every orgasm is great, but atleast I know that this is capable of happening.)