01 May 2011

Not such a good morning.

Hi Everyone! Good morning. You know that moment when you've been crying and something makes you laugh and you can't help but laugh? The tears have dried and there's a certain relieving feeling of joy on my face. I ended up dosing off too early and awoke to a ringing phone. It was Bex and we talked for about half an hour. I was a douche to her and blamed it on the cold that I inexplicably caught last afternoon. WTF right? I could hear the love and longing in her voice and it made me die a little inside because I'd have to fake it in order to match it. After somewhat making up for it I spent the rest of the night writing, listening to Adele on a loop and bawling my eyes out.

Right now I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous I can be sometimes. I'm surprised you guys don't get sea sick while reading my blog post that go from 'yay to gay' and back to crying about it all. God, today's bound to be a better day than all these hours of anguish. I'm going to tend to my cold and just spend the day swimming upstream.

The debate is drawing to a close soon. Bottom and Versatile are neck and neck. Guess my less than aggressive attitude has landed me the bottom label but I tend to be pretty confident so Versatile makes sense. I'm def not a top, I'm pretty sure. Is bottom versatile an option? I thought everyone was going to vote 'Bitch Please you're married.' Lol!

I'm posting what I ended up writing below the jump. I'm hesitant because I don't want to ruin someones day with all the sap and crap that I went through the last couple of hours. It's written in a way that makes sense to me, so forgive me if I make a reference that doesn't make sense. If todays going to be a rainy day where you live, you're playing some jazz music and just need a good cry or want to remove that sweet taste from your mouth, read on... Although if you're trying to have a great wonderful day, just book mark it and read it later.

I'll be good today. I got a project to keep me busy. Yesterday while out at the Arts and Crafts store I purchased a deep purple shirt and I'm going to paint it to my hearts delight. Not sure what kind of design I want for it, but odds are that it'll be sexual and inappropriate for most places and people here on the bible belt. Lol I'll probably love it and want to wear it to work and then get angry because I know how risky that would be. It's hard to make my mind go back to being PG-13 when I've been exposed to soo much NC-17. I should probably sleep too and stop listening to Adele! If there's one singer who can make you crawl into the fetal position, it's her ;)

I'm going to wake up soon and start over, like if the day was new. Hope to see you when I wake up. I love you.

Here's the jump.

I am a complete asshole. Pain runs through my veins, my heart is heavier than all the weights I could ever lift. No amount of gay sex, seduction, pleasure, or sunny days could alleviate the sadness in the air. There goes Adam I think to myself… I've breached myself, stabbed myself and killed the sweet boy that just wanted to be happy with his girl by his side. I lie to myself, he hasn't been sweet for some time now.

She reminded me that when I started seeing her every Wednesday, I would say ‘If only I could just fall back in love’ ‘If I could feel in love then my marriage could survive.’ The last time I went I was singing a different tune. I no longer cared about being in love. I no longer wanted any part of us and I broke my own heart hearing myself say the words ‘I don't want this anymore.’

He asked me point blank to be honest with him. “Am I gay?” Silence... yes my friend I was stunned. I couldn't respond in anger because this time it was as if I had been asked this for the first time. Out loud I asked myself… “Am I… gay?” My usual confident answer of ‘Of course not’ was nowhere to be found. I felt like you had asked me where my keys were and while reaching in my pocket, discovered that they weren't where I thought they were. I've lost them somewhere I think.

Very early on you lost interest in me, rejected me, I never forgave you because you didn't care. You didn't ask for forgiveness and I remember thinking about how you've killed every ounce of passion in my soul. We worked it out and eventually got married. Is this my fucked up way of getting you back? Was it this painful for you when you almost threw me away that one time?

I found myself becoming Ace more and more. I've been fortunate enough to not fall into the traps of drugs and alcohol. I've thought about just giving in to temptation but I was too strong to abuse, but too weak to actually go through with my desires. Your loving me constantly, your always thinking of me destroys my insides. How could someone love a man so much and receive nothing in return. It's been two years Love and we're further from the finish line than when we started.

Sometimes like Ace I think about ending it all. I've talked to you about this several times and it's just something my idiotic post adolescent mind wonders to every once in a while. Sometimes it's all too much for me dear and I think of the manner to which I will sing my swan song. Every time my morbid mind ventures to such dark places I remember to ensure that it looks like an accident, that way you'll be taken care of by my life insurance. I worry about your well being so both death and divorce jar my mind and give me no hope for either of our souls.

I could care less about me. I'll probably get in shape, start hooking up, fall into the wrong crowd and become a casualty of my lust. I'll not find true love and continue to be unhappy. It's ok I can deal with that. I'm removing my heart right now and since I can't make this work, I think I'll just leave it in the apartment when I turn in the keys. You, what will become of you? I'm giving you back your heart, a little broken but repairable I hope. You have no job, no aspirations, only family far far away who may keep you for a little bit. Am I going to haunt you for the rest of your life? Are you strong enough to walk on your own? Please send me the bill for all repairs, I owe that to you.

If only movies were real and I could erase the last couple of years from your memory. I must live with the knowledge attained from our relationship, but you…you don't deserve this. Maybe I should have just perished in that car accident while we were still on top. A Hollywood ending born in my writings of lust and teenage anguish and boredom.

I don't appreciate you anymore. I'm gathering my things and I'm putting them away. Every once in a while I will return to my box and peek inside and see the other side of me that will never be. I hope to out live the feelings that stir in the box. Oh baby, there isn't a white flag big enough. I love you.


  1. @mindofmine I'm tired of being bobby derrekson. I don't like being this person with two worlds and feeling like I can't leave her and can't love her either. Plus have you heard adele sing someone like you? Thats some powerful shit! ;)

  2. Bobby: This is probably your truest expression of the torment that haunts you. It's raw and deep but please do not lose hope. Whether you continue together or alone, you are a free spirit that will find a way to be happy.

    I too have a box of happy and unhappy memories stored away -- I don't know why I continue to keep it since it is no longer relevant to me, not for many years now. But I won't relive the past by going there, just knowing is comfort enough and I've moved on with the passage of time. And so will it happen for you if you decide to make this present time a history for you to learn from. You're only 24 (or soon to be), so much life is ahead for you that you can only imagine. You need to stick around to see how the story continues.

  3. You always bring so much light into my life FoC. Thank you sweetie.