05 May 2011

Part 2: You're not listening!

So while we're being honest I wanted to share something that I've realized or at least, has become obvious to me. There are many things that I am willing to admit to myself and write about, many more things that I'm willing to discuss, and some things that I don't like to readily admit. It's those things that I find hiding bits and pieces of in everything that I do. I've already talked about how my fictional writing is a portal into the world of my fears and concerns, but there are other things, maybe more subtle that I'm catching.

Since I first laid eyes on my wedding photos, I've had a hatred for them. I was my heaviest (220) when they were taken. (I weight 150 now and slimming down further to look like this guy. He's looking for my integrity that flew out the window.) Back to the wedding photos... I've always disliked them because I felt at the time that I looked different and that the person in those photos wasn't me. Bex looks great in them but I expected to look better, especially on a day that means so much. I was thinking about it and I was saying out loud to myself two days ago what I didn't like about them. I said, "That isn't me, that's not who I am." It wasn't "that's not what I look like" or "what i thought I looked like"... it was "That's not who I am." Maybe instantly I knew that who I am and who that guy was trying to be was not the same person. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I found the wordage to be profound.

I also was on a roll that day because I looked at the walls around me. All my art and everything that I had personally touched was something sexual... leaning towards gay. Just look at half the shit that I post on my twit pic account... all sexual... leaning like stage fall Mariah Carey towards gay. Even in the bedroom on a poster with a couple on it that I put together has an ad at the bottom that says "fall in love" and below that the word "maybe". It was not original to the poster. I had a Nicholas Cage national treasure moment in my apartment.

Everything that I do is either gay, sexual, both or off the wall random. I'm fighting really hard to not end up doing something to that shirt that just screams GAY, but I can't seem to help it. Oh and it's deep purple too so if I wrote INTO CHICKS on it, people would just laugh. Yeah right. Maybe I should express my love for owls, peanut butter or my distaste for people who share their religious views with me. More people do that to me and I don't know why!? Let's just skip that subject shall we. ;)

I don't like being stereotypical although it's very easy to fall into some stereotypes so I'm going to keep the gay at bay. I love expressing myself but I too find it annoying to constantly be talking about penises, listening to Britney Spears and going gaga.. over Gaga. It's not very often that I annoy myself so at any given time you'll find me doing one of those three things, when I'm not clicking away on my phone, watching porn or blogging. This is the monster that is me.

The other day I got so upset at listening to Britney Spears for hours straight that I listened to both of my Bravery CD's and a Theory of a Deadman album to remind myself that I'm not a 29 year old pop star who got derailed because of an idiot named Kfed... I am not! lol.

Damn I'm in a much better mood now that I'm talking about lighter subjects. So where was I... the signs are all there, including the one that reminds me that I'm a douche. It's just another part of my world around me. Maybe I can tame the wild gay man inside me, maybe someone will have to do that for me ;) (here's looking at you... you know who you are.) I'm just being retard right now.

While I'm somewhat on the topic of music, have you heard this song? I'm in lust over Pit bull for some reason which is the weirdest fucking thing because he's not that pretty and isn't my type. All the music that he's had a part of drives me crazy and I love it. I even love the train wreck of a song that He and Jennifer Lopez did... and that's saying a lot. Actually I say that song sucks but I still dance to it although JLo makes it very hard to.

Ok now I'm just rambling about things that don't matter. Before I go I just wanted to point out how much I like this guys shirt ;) Ttyl guys, I promise to have my head on straight next time I do a post Lol.


  1. Well, to be honest I don't really see your marriage lasting too long. You are gay honey. Those photos won't mean much very soon.

  2. Bobby: Hey birthday boy! What are you going to do to celebrate on saturday? I hope they don't make you work. You need to go out and play a little. Now 24 isn't a particular landmark year but I believe in celebrating both big and little victories and you have overcome a number of challenges so have some fun. And you gotta have cake -- even if it's a cupcake from Starbucks.

  3. @mindofmine: you very well maybe completely right, men are really important to me. Right now I'm still clutching the bisexual label because even though I tend to be passive with women I'm still interested.
    @FoC: I had chocolates! Yumm! Thanks for the birthday wishes and everything :)