11 June 2011

life, bex and boys

Finally a moment to say Hi! This entire week has been a whirlwind of appointments, work, work outs… this, that and another thing. Finally a moment for me and I’m damn sure not letting it escape me.

I woke up a minute ago after being asleep for three hours, to no surprise I couldn’t sleep. I’m wide awake at the moment and as soon as I wind down again, I’ll lay down next to Bex and fall asleep. We had quite the talk last night about unresolved dreams, finances and emotional support.

Bex has been having the hardest time find a job noting our current constraints to work hours and transportation. Our constraints added to no one hiring in our area leaves her feeling useless and helpless. I had stressed to her previously about my need for her to help us out financially and my need for her to be a lot more independent from me and our one income financial issues. Needless to say that this difficulty is leaving her disappointed, saddened and unsure about how I’m taking it. I of course understand how difficult it is because I helped on the job search myself and have been there every step of the way. I love her, I’ll be patient and I know that in time she will make her move.



For the longest time I’ve needed Bex to do something with her end of our lives together. It seems that when we got together, engaged and married… she stopped moving forward. She only found part time work (which mostly inconvenienced me because of sleep and driving her around.) and didn’t want for anything else but… to work. I don’t mind if she decides to not work, but please… do something with your life. Blog, go to school, exercise, audition for plays… something. It looks as if she’s received the message now and she’s on her way to doing something. I always felt guilty about her inactivity, as if I was keeping her at home, ripped from the life she was supposed to have.

My sweetheart broke down last night because things in life are just becoming too much for her. It made me sad because I know that I’m right there adding to her pile of crap to deal with. I could only offer her a big ass hug last night and whatever comfort my words could bring. I hope that I brought it home when I said that I would stand by her side no matter what she decided to do about school or work.

I’m working less than I used to, but somehow seem to have waaay less time on my hands. Before I used to work five 12 hour shifts a week… that’s about sixty hours on average. I’m now working four 10 hour shifts, 40 hours. Mix that with my couples therapy, personal therapy, hair appointments and gym visits… ugh… my favorite thing to do: blog… is getting increasingly difficult to do. It doesn’t help that my 40 hour work weeks are one day after the other after the other. I’m not complaining, I’m thankful to have a job… I just need to manage my time better, I guess.

I’m super excited! These are the things that I’ve wanted to blog about. First thing… Mr. V my Floridian buddy that I write about so much, he’s picked up a very bad habit. No I’m just kidding, he’s started blogging. He’s attempted it in the past but I think that he’ll stick to it. If you’re interested in seeing what my Mr.V is up to… check out Mr. V does Florida. He even wrote a little post about how him and I met, this time from the point of view of someone who isn’t going gaga for V shaped pieces of ass.

Second, I’m working on a project! Amongst my millions of other projects, this one involves this blog and my continued effort to document every moment of my existence. It’s not a Davey Wavey reality tv show, but it’ll be my contribution to Bisexual men out there. I’m not naming specifics for the time being, I’m not ready… but I’ll be working with some blog buddies and friends of mine. I’m apeshit excited!

OH! Couples counseling! I completely forgot… I’m going to have to keep post it notes for myself about my blog topics. Bex saw the couples councilor last Friday. She had a pleasant experience but it’s obvious to the both of us that this is going to be extremely difficult for her. I saw our councilor this last Monday (solo). I had an awesome time getting to meet her and explaining my views of the situation. I feel confident about finding some sort of space to communicate and hopefully… grow together again. Bex and I are not on the same page and haven’t been in months if not years… so hopefully… this will help and in time I can rekindle that passion that was there before.

I've had many days of being level headed. Not so much of the back and forth, overwhelming joy and depression, I like to think because I’m working on the funk depression that I’m in. Things are starting to change and I’m working it harder than when I work my rubber boyfriend… trying to land on my feet and run towards a happier existence.

Speaking of running… I’ve been going to the gym again. It’s become one of my favorite ways to put some distance between Bex and I. I’ve felt tighter (the only way that I know to describe it.) leaner and excited about my own body!

Oh guys, I’m going to go and run… run at the gym and continue to run towards being a more balanced, happier bi guy. Thanks for being patient in between posts, I really appreciate your comments and readership. There are more good times and interesting stories ahead, so stay tuned. Au revoir for now!

8 comments:

  1. BD, you're hot. Mind, body, and soul.

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  2. @Anonymous: You know how to make a boy blush ;)

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  3. Bobby: It's good that a lot of these issues that you have kept bottled up inside are finally being addressed in an adult way. It's way better to tackle them than to let them corrode into resentment. Yes, it's painful for Bex to hear some of these things but you help soothe the disappointment she must feel with your continued support. You also sound more optimistic, I think because you can see and are working on solutions rather than just venting about problems that before seemed too difficult to approach.

    As for Mr. V's post about how you met, it's nice to see another point of view of the same event. I laughed when he called you an obvious gay guy and how you used to stare at him all the time. Both of you are so cute together.

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  4. @Anonymous: You know how to make a boy blush ;)

    Comments like that, about comments like mine, make me hard like you. Still....

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  5. Really enjoying your blog. Wanna know more.

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  6. Bobby: Thanks for the twitter shout out, I'm thinking of you too. :-)

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  7. I'm female. 30 years ago in college I had a very passionate relationship with my then boyfriend. I introduced him to gay bars and after A year he broke up with me to try an alternate lifestyle, his description. To this day I am confused. Given he couldn't have enough of me while we were together. And even continued to try get together with me after we broke, which I now regret not submitting to him. I always wondered that he is bisexual, I mean, we had great fun sex all the time. . He taught me a lot and was very adventurous. I think he was very highly sensual, but back then I guess you were either gay or heterosexual. Now I've been married 15 years and 4 years ago I found out my husband is bisexual. We do have a good sex life given our age, he is much older. But I still have such a yearning to talk to my past flame, I want to ask him what was happening back then. We remained friends, but lost touch 20 years ago. Back then, He had asked me to move with him to another city since he was graduating and got a good. I was just 21 years old and I wanted to finish my degree since I was on scholarship. Besides I was too young to know love. Here I am 30 years later wondering. My husband bisexuality does not bother me and he doesn't like to talk about his past loves. I assume he is faithful to me. I know he adores me. I love your postings because it helps me understand my relationships with men who like men. BTW, I've had sex with other gay men in college, too. Strange, but I think few are all gay. I think maybe in a past life I must have been a man. Please keep posting. I love them. I'll write under Anonyous until I get more brave.

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  8. @Mrs. Anonymous- first off thank you for reading and commenting and thank you for the kind words. You made my day yesterday. Sexuality can tend to be a sensitive subject to some people, I'm not sure why your husband doesn't feel comfortable about his past loves. Maybe if he doesn't know about your prior love with a bi guy, he's shy or worried about what you'll think of him. Surely I'm wrong since you've been married for quite some time. I'm not sure mrs A. Lol some girls are just drawn to boys who like boys too. My personal belief is that more people are bi than we know. I giggle at the thought of how many guys I know that are straight but would suck dick in an instant if it wasn't gay. Think about it, I'm sure most would. ;) hang in there mrs. A and again...thanks!

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